"And there was a kid with a head full of doubt"- AB

This week I had the opportunity to visit a medium security prison and spend the day not only speaking to about 100 guys, but spent individual time with many of them. The prison is about an hour and half from my house and I had to be at the gate house between 8 and 830a.m. (which meant an early morning for me). During the drive I attempted to clear my head and focus on what I would say to them. This can be overwhelming as I usually walk into a gymnasium or commons area and they are there waiting for me to walk in and start talking. One of the ways I try to get myself focused and centered is through music. My music interests span many genres and time frames. However I recently have been listening to the Avett Brothers for my long drives at work and to relax when at home. There is one specific song “Head full of doubt/Road full of promise” which I found to be appropriate for this mornings commute and preparation. The lyrics of the song are:

 "Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise"

 There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

 In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right

 And it comes in black and it comes in white

 And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

 

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected

 And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected

 If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected

 Decide what to be and go be it

 

There was a dream and one day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid with a head full of doubt

So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

I met many men who have spent 20 or more years locked up, many of which are murderers. They shared the same nervous anticipation that any person would have in their position. A scared of what the world is like after 20 years disposition. They shared stories of their children who were toddlers when they went away, who have grown up, got married, had their own children, and continued on with their lives. And I reflected on my last 20 years being in recovery, being free, and having a life. During the speaking part of my day I was in a gymnasium with about 100 men sitting in the bleachers, all dressed in the same state issued blue uniform (made by prisoners, wore by prisoners) and I talked about  many things including dreams and doubts. I know many of them will not make it once released. The burden of life on the outside is too much. The problems that lead them to incarceration remain, some have continued to grow. And I talked about it. I discussed what it means to be part of a community and the debt they must someday payback to their towns, their families. I talked about the responsibility they have to themselves, their children, their mothers, and their community. A shared responsibility we all have to be citizens.  We discussed plans, goals and more importantly I discussed dreams. I challenged them all to look inside themselves and find their dreams and use those desires to succeed, accomplish, conquer motivate and guide them to make better choices.  And I talked about a desire for something different
B

That “thing” and why I hate it, sometimes

That “thing” and why I hate it, sometimes

So the past week has been somewhat turbulent for me, which really means I have beat myself up over some things I have no control over. I tend to take some things very hard and feel they are somehow a critique of my character. My tendency is to really internalize these types of feelings and let them grow and rot inside my head. I call this processing; which is really using a clinical excuse to continue to beat myself up.  Luckily I am aware of this cycle and can call it like I see (feel) it. So the process for me looks like this, something happens, I get upset, I internalize it, I don’t tell anyone how upset I am, It’s constantly  on my mind (that’s that processing thing), I begin to lose sleep, I become more irritable, I quit eating, I isolate myself more from others, and within days, I feel like a disaster. I have a good set of tools for which I have learned and practiced throughout my recovery. Of all those tools is one for which I despise when in this cycle of self-inflicted misery. The Serenity Prayer. I really despise that short, well versed prayer! We who are in recovery have been beaten over the head time and again by counselors, therapists, mental health workers, 12 step members, sponsors, family members,  and everyone who knows when we are struggling reminds us to remember, recite, chant, yell to the heavens, this simple prayer. I hate it sometimes! (I feel like I should have it tattooed on my forehead, so every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of its inherent power.)

That’s right… I said that I hate the Serenity Prayer.

How could I hate a prayer? This prayer really unlocks the one of the mysteries of my personal defects. If you look at the process at this beginning of my post, you will see that something has triggered a chain of events that has led me into a process of self-destruction. This event really is beyond my control. I have taken something, which affects me but is not my doing, and I turned it, spun it, and used it to feel bad about myself. That’s weird. Why would I do that? This is one of the “great” mysteries of addiction (and for another post and or profession to examine and unlock the “great” mysteries). For me it has a whole lot to do with mental health issues I deal with on a daily basis (which can be addressed another time). I have to focus on how I could hate a prayer!   So I know it’s there, I think about it whether I want to or not, and suddenly everything begins to become less cloudy. I begin to understand and more importantly feel that all of this really was out of my control and I can begin to rid myself of all the negativity I have created from it. I have developed tools that help me get myself back together; these include walking, making art, spending time with my kids and wife, and writing.

Today I feel better about last week. I still have some reservations about my love/hate relationship with The Serenity Prayer...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

B

 

How long are you willing to continue self imposed suffering?

How long are you willing to continue self-imposed suffering? This is a question I have pondered for most of the day. I was engaged in a conversation about "hitting bottom" and the criminal justice population. For most, incarceration would be worse than death, but for a large number of men and women, time spent behind bars has become a natural part of their addiction cycle. We as addicts have the ability of adaptation, the ability to blind ourselves to tragedy, sadness, loss, etc. When it does surface we can use it to do what we want which can include drug and alcohol use. A scenario played out every minute of every day. So what happens to those who use incarceration as an escape from themselves and their problems? For many years I believed and understood incarceration as a consequence of my addiction. I now understand that the true consequence is that you don't get to stay incarcerated. You have to leave; you have to return to the world, your problems, and yourself.  Today I spent time doing interventions with people in the middle of a relapse cycle with the immediate consequence for not changing their behavior was to return to incarceration. It is hard for anyone to visualize what the end of the road looks like. For addicts, this is especially hard. With all the excuses, all the drugs, all the consequences, all the interventions, all the sanctions, all the hands reaching out to help, the root of the issue is suffering. Why would you want to continue to suffer? What kind of relationship is it? We know that everyone suffers, naturally. The death of a loved one, a speeding ticket, a tried relationship, a divorce, and the list is infinite. The type of suffering I am referring to is a type of self-imposed suffering. It continues to amaze me the amount of suffering a person can endure mentally, psychologically, and physically while in an active addiction cycle. Maybe a person simply has to be tired of suffering and have a desire to want to want something different. This is what I wanted…something different.

B

To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering –Friedrich Nietzsche

So a week has gone by since I committed myself to maintaining this blog and all week I have pondered what I want to post. So I should probably begin by introducing myself which is never an easy process for me. I am 42 years old, a husband, a father, an artist, a sometimes writer/poet, a certified alcohol and drug counselor, a public speaker and trainer, a dreamer, an educator, an advocate for those involved in the criminal justice system, sometimes depressed, in recovery.

I am still trying to decide how thus blog should look and feel…so bear with me!

B