so my work is back from the museum and for sale on tumblr....http://bradleybullock.tumblr.com/

A return to space travel

A return to space travel

2 weeks ago I slipped and fell getting out of the bath, landing face first into the edge of the toilet. I instantly had a ridiculous black eye accompanied by a gash in my eye brow. This is not the first time in my life that my face had looked as though I was hit with a brick truck, a sack of hammers, or 1000 fists. I minimized the damage done and went on with life. But I was not okay. I was advised repeatedly to get an MRI and continued to minimize and avoid recognition that something could be wrong. I slowly started noticing that my perception and vision started to waver. I wrote this off as a possible concussion and continued on. This past weekend, the ground became “un solid” and I fell in a parking lot, again chalking it up as something slick that I fell on. Every day, I have had episodes of dizziness, impaired vision, and lack of coordination and balance.   Every day I have briefly entered “space”. I had left earth and entered a new frontier and whoa was it uncomforting. I have not been under the influence of mind altering chemicals for a long time and have really disassociated myself from the delusion of intoxication. This ongoing condition, for which I have minimized, came to a head yesterday as my ship for outer space finally launched into the unknown. I found myself in a grocery store believing that if I could get some food in my body, my condition would improve. I stumbled through the isles walking on what seemed like an ocean of waves. I held tightly to the shelves till I found a bench to sit on to find my bearings. I kept telling myself over and over to “not lie down in the isle and hug the floor”, “these people will think I am on drugs and call the police”.  I was travelling through space. I had left the earth as I knew it and was a new place where nothing was real and way out of balance.  I made it out of the store and to another bench; tears began to run down my face, I was scared. I was scared. To make a long story short, I am suffering from Post-Concussion Syndrome, and have been placed on medication to help restore my balance and perception. Again and again I was told that I should have come to the E.R. sooner, that I should not have minimized, that I need to remain grounded, and on the planet earth. These feelings are almost directly related to those I was experienced as consumer of mind altering chemicals including alcohol. After the last 2 weeks I can’t believe I used to make myself feel this way on purpose. 

All though these past 2 weeks have been a strange trip, I feel good to be back on the planet, and my space suit has been returned, for today.
B

Grey Area

Grey area-an area or part of something existing between two extremes and having mixed characteristics of bothTonight I observed a treatment group around the topic of Locus of Control. The conversation moved into a discussion of how most people choose to live daily in a place described as the “grey area”. I don’t want to go into an explanation of Locus of Control theory; a Google search will get you what you need. I want to discuss the ever present “grey area” and why so many find comfort there, the key word being comfort. We as humans find comfort rewarding. We like routines and schedules. Our days are planned from the minute our alarms go off in the morning to moment we close our eyes to end the day. We assign value to the monotonous, routine, daily “grind” of our existence. We have technology at every turn to make our lives easier, more scheduled, and more manageable. We slowly turn our lives into existence. We live in the grey area. We live here because it is easy. ( note to reader…I feel like I am way out of my normal range of conversation here, but hang with me and you will see where I’m going!) I am not sure I can explain the true mundane state I am getting at, but I think you can get, I am trying to describe the get up at same time, eat breakfast, got to work, come home, eat dinner, watch t.v., and go to bed type of thing. Day in, day out. Doing the same thing over and over. We do this. We are taught that this is being responsible, dependable, etc. So why am I talking about this and what does it have to do with me? There are many who believe that this type of life can be detrimental to someone in recovery. That living life as existing is the equivalent of being stagnant and that those in recovery do not make if stagnant. Sure having you time planned out is important and being responsible and dependable are important practices for anyone especially those in recovery. The stagnation, the grey area, affects the mental, the emotional, and the spiritual. And these areas need constant stimulation and maintenance. The grey area becomes the danger zone. I believe this to be true about myself. I need to be out of my comfort zone. I need to experience a range of emotions. I like to laugh and appreciate the ability to be sad and cry. I feel as though I am in touch with my emotions and I am not embarrassed with them. This has not always been the case. I went to extreme measures to hide, bury, and destroy those very parts of myself. I was not comfortable with who I was and how I felt.  I wanted to hide in the grey area forever. To disappear. The problem is I could not exist in the grey area, I could not grow and what does not grow eventually dies. I am not always comfortable with this, and some days I want to hide from the world, live in the grey area where I may not be noticed. But I can’t. I have to face the world; I have to deal with the world on its terms. This is where I grow. I do things daily which keep me out of the grey area. I create artwork, I spend time with others, I watch movies, read books, write this blog, and the list goes on and on. I understand the grey area, I get it. For me it is not a healthy place. I need to grow. I need to experience new things. I need to be emotional. I need to assess and maintain my spiritual well-being. I need to mix up my schedules and make life enjoyable even when it’s hard.B  

In search of a magic wand

Many people have asked me a plethora questions surrounding my recovery and its maintenance. I have told parts of “my story” to hundreds of people; from judges, teachers, probation officers, school teachers, counselors, prisoners, teenagers, and friends. I wish sometimes I could fix people, fix myself. I recently was discussing the differences in substance abuse and mental health issues. The feeling that if you correct a behavior you can “fix” many issues around substance abuse, however mental health issues are sometimes equivalent to being a broken person who cannot be “fixed”.  I was told by someone after last week’s post, that sharing my mental health issues was something I was not supposed to do, something you should keep to yourself. Which left me thinking, why do we have to live in the shadows? How has society and even the profession of mental health played into or perpetrated this shame. We know the inherent relationship between substance abuse and mental health and for many years the two have been segregated in treatment and approach. This is of course is not true across the board, both in practice and individual.

Is drug addiction a mental illness?

Yes, because addiction changes the brain in fundamental ways, disturbing a person's normal hierarchy of needs and desires and substituting new priorities connected with procuring and using the drug. The resulting compulsive behaviors that override the ability to control impulses despite the consequences are similar to hallmarks of other mental illnesses.-Nora D. Volkow, M.D.Director
National Institute on Drug Abuse

 I do not have the answers. What I do know is that through living one day at a time I am able to work on being a better person. Most days I am not perfect, however I have the capacity to acknowledge my wrongs and attempt to make amends. I have little desire to use drugs or alcohol, but I struggle daily to deal with life on life’s terms. I believe in the tenants of recovery and the work it requires to achieve and maintain. I know with all my heart that my higher power has chosen a path for me, a different path I was on at one time. I know that I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic and that I have mental health disorders. I sometimes feel like a person who is broken but I know that if I submit myself to a program of recovery and work on myself daily, my life is manageable. Unfortunately there is no magic wand.
B

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor

I take a pill to deal with the world; I take another pill to deal with myself

I take a pill for the day; I take a pill for the night

I take a pill to move through the day

I take a pill to forget about the day

I take a pill because I hate myself

I take a pill because I hate my life

I take a pill because I cannot deal with the world

I take a pill because I am depressed

I take a pill because I don’t know what happiness is

I take a pill to remain free

I take a pill to not harm myself

I take a pill to not harm others

I take a pill to love myself

I take a pill to love my life

I take a pill to love others

I take a pill because I take a pill

I hate taking pills

My name is Brad and I have a mental health condition. I wanted for so long to believe that as a person in recovery that I had been freed from my condition. I believed that I have a good program of recovery and that through this program and all the hard work I had put into it that my mental health condition had been resolved. I found that although my mental health and substance abuse where inexplicitly tied together, I needed to work on both issues simultaneously and independent of each other. It took a trip to the hospital a couple of years ago to force me into acknowledgement of this complex relationship. I found  that I was confused, I felt threatened, I felt like I had made a mistake. I have worked with a good Doctor who understands this complex relationship and I have placed myself in the company of many people who in their compassion have helped me identify and deal with myself. My brain is wired differently. Through the aid of medication I am a better person to myself and others; and this is what I want.

I take pills because I have to.

B

Who am I and Why am I here.

"When feeling sympathy and compassion for those in temptation, a condition I sometimes experience, I have a responsibility toward them. Sympathy always includes responsibility. When I am moved with compassion, I should go to the one in need and bind up his or her wounds as best I can."-unknown

"...when you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight"… " the deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain" (The Prophet) by Khalil Gibran page 29

This week has been tough. I have experienced a whirlwind of emotion. I find myself feeling in a way that as I use to describe as “the world moving so fast I can’t keep up”. I have had several people notice the stress, anxiety, maybe panic on my face and in my character. There is not enough hours or minutes for me to catch up, to stop the world around me. I find myself reassuring myself, I am doing well, I am keeping it together.  I spent time discussing everything with someone this week and the question of when am I going to reach my “tipping point” and what will happen when I do? 

Where is my tipping point? How much can I endure? 

I often feel that I am fragile; I look at myself in the mirror and think how will I make it through the day? I see pain, sorrow, and sadness in my eyes. I pray and meditate for strength, compassion, understanding, balance, and peace. I am far from a perfect person. I am a work in progress.  I know my character defects.  I have tried to put myself around others who understand the complexities of my “condition”, who I believe are looking out for me.

This blog has become a place for to share. I know many of you visit and read. I often wonder what you want me to discuss or share here. I really wonder what you think or feel about this. I sometimes feel like I am in a bubble, writing, and posting with no feedback.  If you feel inclined please respond in some way, let me know you are there…