Hiatus

A 6 month hiatus from writing, it’s been hard. It is no reflection of my desire to write but a reflection of myself. I, at times feel that I say the same things repeatedly, obsessively, redundantly. Searching for the perfect vehicle to present the truest of abstraction. How does one truly help others understand the deepest emotions. What words can be used to describe the innermost self. I will continue to reflect, assess, adjust, remember, dream, make, look, listen, laugh, cry…seek clarity.

Why am I private?

Its been awhile since I have written, by choice. Sometimes I am uncertain of what or why I write. I am unsure if anyone cares about what I write or if I even should concern myself with what others think. I started writing this blog really to open myself up, to document, record things that effect me or interest, inspire me. I wanted to create a bridge a place where others could find refuge and I know this happens through the personal messages I receive from you. Everyday I experience something that inspires me to write and share here. This at times is my journal, a look into myself. 

I have recently been spending time contemplating myself and my role in this world. I am complex at times and am uncertain of the path I have chosen to walk. I try at all times to remain humble and self evaluate. I try to protect myself from the true vulnerability I experience on a daily basis. I work at removing the instinctual barriers I display with others. I try to be myself and allow myself to feel a wide range of emotions. These are hard things for me to do but I continue to push myself because I believe this is where I continue to grow. I challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone and experience nervousness and excitement. I continue to engage in speaking opportunities which really makes me feel inadequate and vulnerable. Standing in front of others and speaking is a scary thing for me to do, yet I push myself to grow. 

I don't know why I am scared of what anyone thinks of me, but I am

I don’t know what Im doing…I just keep doing.

Thank You for taking a minute to read this, I am always amazed that anyone cares.

B

Everyone has a story...

I have several speaking engagements coming up and sometimes I am amazed anyone would want to hear me talk. I never considered myself a “public” speaker and really have spent much of my life very shy and somewhat reserved. I learned that to accomplish anything I would need to step out of my comfort zone and engage others. I was asked several years ago to tell “my story” at a private luncheon and I had never spoken open and honestly with a room of strangers about the person who I used to be and the journey I have been on. I believed my recovery, my story were things I should be ashamed of, to hide, to only share in the company of others with similar stories. I have challenged myself to make my recovery, my journey a source of pride. If I were a survivor of any other disease I would wear my pride on my sleeve. There are many things I don't understand about myself, but I have faith and hope. I don't understand why I have been blessed with the opportunity to have an audience to listen to me. My story is not that different than others’, but it’s my story…everyone has story.
B

an examination of ego

Humility. Humble. Accoutability. Power. How does one learn Humility? Can it be taught? and what does it have to do with Power. Accountability is a value, trait most of us are taught at an early age. But how accountable do we keep ourselves? and what does accountability have to do with power. I try to live my life with humility. I acknowledge my wrong doings and try to repair any harm they have caused. I try to practice the ideal “not have everything I want, but want everything I have”. I keep myself accountable. I have very little interest in power and believe in giving power to others, empowerment. 

But I am human and I have ego. And ego corrupts these tenants. I believe I have to keep my ego in check, to seek a humble existence. I observe ego in others. I watch power corrupt others, destroy people, relationships, lives. I don't know the answer to all these questions, nor do I understand the full complexities of these values, tenants. 

I know I am aware…are you?

B