Surrender, 25 years later

25 years ago a 17 year old boy, under the influence, committing a crime consumed alcohol for the last time.

There was a moment during my life when complete truth never felt more real. Sure I had been experiencing truth constantly and these were the things that I wanted to escape, ignore, avoid, and run from forever. The onset of knowing that I did not know how to deal with day to day existence as a human being, nor did I want to. The truth that I was severely depressed and never sadder, and I found myself grounded in the idea that this is who I was and I could not change it. On December 27, 1987, the owner of the business had caught me inside his building. Technically I had broken in even though I had previously stolen the keys to the business, and let myself in. He was angry and threatened to shot me. He had his arm around my neck and a handgun pointed to the side of my head. This had little effect on me, not only had I been under the aim of a gun previously, but I had been living to die. The thought of this unknown person threatening to shoot me in the head had a calming effect on me. Not because I had been subdued, but the thought of a stranger completing the task of ending my pathetic existence seemed unfair and out of line. I was angry and sad. A stranger had placed himself into a position that I had been for so long. He probably never knew the value of this position. 

I was blessed with the understanding that I wanted and was going to die. I could have struggled, I could have fought back, I could have asked him to do it. But I surrendered myself to fate, to the world, to the consequences, to the rebuilding, to the suffering, to the unknown, to everything...I surrendered.

On this day 25 years ago the haze of insanity began to lift...

He is I

He is I

For a long time he has been with me.

I don’t remember how we met.

I was told he was here.

I see him occasionally

But I don’t look for him.

When I look into other’s eyes

Sometimes he is there.

We never speak

A simple acknowledgement only

But I don’t look for him.

He will always be with me

They say He is very complicated

I don’t want him

He would have you believe he is I

And I am he

But I don’t look for him

We wake up together some mornings

We walk together some days

We keep each other up through the nights

But I don’t look for him

We used to fight

I wanted him to go away

And there he would stay

He hates me some days

And wishes I would go away

We both give

And we both take

But I don’t look for him

Who would I be without him

And who would he be without me

They say we can have a meaningful relationship

Because he is I

And I am he.

 

 

How do we stop the Bleeding?

In my job I encounter, experience the toll of mental health on people, families, communities, and systems. As a society, through policy, we have systematically turned metal health into someone else’s problem. More times than not we have put it, shoved it, back on to the sufferer. We have national instances of violence, unfathomable violence, and we collectively respond with “what’s wrong with people”, “how could someone do this”, “that person must have been crazy”. Our chickens have come home to roost. We have created this scenario, as a society. We own this. Mental Health is a national healthcare crisis. How do we stop the bleeding?  

How are you taking care of yourself?

“How are you taking care of yourself?”

The past week or so has been filled with highly stressful situations. I think the holiday season raises everyone’s stress level up a few notches. At every turn I was right in the middle of a crisis of sorts and seemed to handle these situations, for the most part okay. I was speaking with someone about some of these situations and they asked. “how are you taking care of yourself?”. I had to pause for a moment and feel the weight of all this stress on me. How am I taking care of myself? I have been drawing more, listening to music, spending more time with my family (I even played a pick game of basketball yesterday with my son and his friends). A quick google search of “dealing with holiday stress” immediately returned 2.4 million results. The Mayo Clinic has this advice “Stress, depression and the holidays: Tips for coping”

1.Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can't be with loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness and grief. It's OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.

 2.Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.

 3.Be realistic. The holidays don't have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children can't come to your house, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videos.

 4.Set aside differences. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to all of your expectations. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion. And be understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry. Chances are they're feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression, too.

 5.Stick to a budget. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Don't try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts. Try these alternatives: Donate to a charity in someone's name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange.

 6.Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus and then make your shopping list. That'll help prevent last-minute scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients. And make sure to line up help for party prep and cleanup.

 7.Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can't participate in every project or activity. If it's not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.

8.Don't abandon healthy habits. Don't let the holidays become a free-for-all. Overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt. Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don't go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks. Continue to get plenty of sleep and physical activity.

 9.Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Take a walk at night and stargaze. Listen to soothing music. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm.

 10.Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.

You can find the complete article at http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress/MH00030

I am working on taking care of myself, I hope you are also! Remember…this too shall pass. B