Surrender, 25 years later

25 years ago a 17 year old boy, under the influence, committing a crime consumed alcohol for the last time.

There was a moment during my life when complete truth never felt more real. Sure I had been experiencing truth constantly and these were the things that I wanted to escape, ignore, avoid, and run from forever. The onset of knowing that I did not know how to deal with day to day existence as a human being, nor did I want to. The truth that I was severely depressed and never sadder, and I found myself grounded in the idea that this is who I was and I could not change it. On December 27, 1987, the owner of the business had caught me inside his building. Technically I had broken in even though I had previously stolen the keys to the business, and let myself in. He was angry and threatened to shot me. He had his arm around my neck and a handgun pointed to the side of my head. This had little effect on me, not only had I been under the aim of a gun previously, but I had been living to die. The thought of this unknown person threatening to shoot me in the head had a calming effect on me. Not because I had been subdued, but the thought of a stranger completing the task of ending my pathetic existence seemed unfair and out of line. I was angry and sad. A stranger had placed himself into a position that I had been for so long. He probably never knew the value of this position. 

I was blessed with the understanding that I wanted and was going to die. I could have struggled, I could have fought back, I could have asked him to do it. But I surrendered myself to fate, to the world, to the consequences, to the rebuilding, to the suffering, to the unknown, to everything...I surrendered.

On this day 25 years ago the haze of insanity began to lift...

He is I

He is I

For a long time he has been with me.

I don’t remember how we met.

I was told he was here.

I see him occasionally

But I don’t look for him.

When I look into other’s eyes

Sometimes he is there.

We never speak

A simple acknowledgement only

But I don’t look for him.

He will always be with me

They say He is very complicated

I don’t want him

He would have you believe he is I

And I am he

But I don’t look for him

We wake up together some mornings

We walk together some days

We keep each other up through the nights

But I don’t look for him

We used to fight

I wanted him to go away

And there he would stay

He hates me some days

And wishes I would go away

We both give

And we both take

But I don’t look for him

Who would I be without him

And who would he be without me

They say we can have a meaningful relationship

Because he is I

And I am he.

 

 

How do we stop the Bleeding?

In my job I encounter, experience the toll of mental health on people, families, communities, and systems. As a society, through policy, we have systematically turned metal health into someone else’s problem. More times than not we have put it, shoved it, back on to the sufferer. We have national instances of violence, unfathomable violence, and we collectively respond with “what’s wrong with people”, “how could someone do this”, “that person must have been crazy”. Our chickens have come home to roost. We have created this scenario, as a society. We own this. Mental Health is a national healthcare crisis. How do we stop the bleeding?  

How are you taking care of yourself?

“How are you taking care of yourself?”

The past week or so has been filled with highly stressful situations. I think the holiday season raises everyone’s stress level up a few notches. At every turn I was right in the middle of a crisis of sorts and seemed to handle these situations, for the most part okay. I was speaking with someone about some of these situations and they asked. “how are you taking care of yourself?”. I had to pause for a moment and feel the weight of all this stress on me. How am I taking care of myself? I have been drawing more, listening to music, spending more time with my family (I even played a pick game of basketball yesterday with my son and his friends). A quick google search of “dealing with holiday stress” immediately returned 2.4 million results. The Mayo Clinic has this advice “Stress, depression and the holidays: Tips for coping”

1.Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can't be with loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness and grief. It's OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.

 2.Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.

 3.Be realistic. The holidays don't have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children can't come to your house, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videos.

 4.Set aside differences. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to all of your expectations. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion. And be understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry. Chances are they're feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression, too.

 5.Stick to a budget. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Don't try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts. Try these alternatives: Donate to a charity in someone's name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange.

 6.Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus and then make your shopping list. That'll help prevent last-minute scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients. And make sure to line up help for party prep and cleanup.

 7.Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can't participate in every project or activity. If it's not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.

8.Don't abandon healthy habits. Don't let the holidays become a free-for-all. Overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt. Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don't go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks. Continue to get plenty of sleep and physical activity.

 9.Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Take a walk at night and stargaze. Listen to soothing music. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm.

 10.Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.

You can find the complete article at http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress/MH00030

I am working on taking care of myself, I hope you are also! Remember…this too shall pass. B

Showing Gratitude by helping others in need.

Daily I try to reflect on things for which I am grateful. This list could be very long if I committed myself to listing each and every little thing. I am a grateful person. During thanksgiving, others are motivated to reflect on things for which they are grateful and the world seems a little nicer.  As a parent I look for ways to teach my children to know and understand how and why to be grateful.  This tends to be a challenge for any parent. I sometimes have the opportunity to visit homeless shelters and food pantries during my work days. If you every feel like things are not going well for you or you have not stopped to reflect on what you should be grateful for, go volunteer at a shelter, soup kitchen, food pantry. You will be overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude for what you have. On thanksgiving I volunteer serving/working at a local food pantry. My children accompany me and help serve a wonderful hot meal for those less fortunate in our community. I would challenge anyone to take a few minutes out of their day to help another. Show your gratitude!

 

Happy Thanksgiving, B

Things That Go On In My Head...

Things I make...

I haven't  posted for a couple of weeks as I have been spending much of my free time (which is very little) drawing. I have been creating a type of Mandala that really is about many issues including mental health, spirituality, discipline, anxiety. So I wanted to start posting some of these...

Breath, 60"x60", ink on paper

"And there was a kid with a head full of doubt"- AB

This week I had the opportunity to visit a medium security prison and spend the day not only speaking to about 100 guys, but spent individual time with many of them. The prison is about an hour and half from my house and I had to be at the gate house between 8 and 830a.m. (which meant an early morning for me). During the drive I attempted to clear my head and focus on what I would say to them. This can be overwhelming as I usually walk into a gymnasium or commons area and they are there waiting for me to walk in and start talking. One of the ways I try to get myself focused and centered is through music. My music interests span many genres and time frames. However I recently have been listening to the Avett Brothers for my long drives at work and to relax when at home. There is one specific song “Head full of doubt/Road full of promise” which I found to be appropriate for this mornings commute and preparation. The lyrics of the song are:

 "Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise"

 There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

 In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right

 And it comes in black and it comes in white

 And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

 

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected

 And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected

 If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected

 Decide what to be and go be it

 

There was a dream and one day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid with a head full of doubt

So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

I met many men who have spent 20 or more years locked up, many of which are murderers. They shared the same nervous anticipation that any person would have in their position. A scared of what the world is like after 20 years disposition. They shared stories of their children who were toddlers when they went away, who have grown up, got married, had their own children, and continued on with their lives. And I reflected on my last 20 years being in recovery, being free, and having a life. During the speaking part of my day I was in a gymnasium with about 100 men sitting in the bleachers, all dressed in the same state issued blue uniform (made by prisoners, wore by prisoners) and I talked about  many things including dreams and doubts. I know many of them will not make it once released. The burden of life on the outside is too much. The problems that lead them to incarceration remain, some have continued to grow. And I talked about it. I discussed what it means to be part of a community and the debt they must someday payback to their towns, their families. I talked about the responsibility they have to themselves, their children, their mothers, and their community. A shared responsibility we all have to be citizens.  We discussed plans, goals and more importantly I discussed dreams. I challenged them all to look inside themselves and find their dreams and use those desires to succeed, accomplish, conquer motivate and guide them to make better choices.  And I talked about a desire for something different
B

That “thing” and why I hate it, sometimes

That “thing” and why I hate it, sometimes

So the past week has been somewhat turbulent for me, which really means I have beat myself up over some things I have no control over. I tend to take some things very hard and feel they are somehow a critique of my character. My tendency is to really internalize these types of feelings and let them grow and rot inside my head. I call this processing; which is really using a clinical excuse to continue to beat myself up.  Luckily I am aware of this cycle and can call it like I see (feel) it. So the process for me looks like this, something happens, I get upset, I internalize it, I don’t tell anyone how upset I am, It’s constantly  on my mind (that’s that processing thing), I begin to lose sleep, I become more irritable, I quit eating, I isolate myself more from others, and within days, I feel like a disaster. I have a good set of tools for which I have learned and practiced throughout my recovery. Of all those tools is one for which I despise when in this cycle of self-inflicted misery. The Serenity Prayer. I really despise that short, well versed prayer! We who are in recovery have been beaten over the head time and again by counselors, therapists, mental health workers, 12 step members, sponsors, family members,  and everyone who knows when we are struggling reminds us to remember, recite, chant, yell to the heavens, this simple prayer. I hate it sometimes! (I feel like I should have it tattooed on my forehead, so every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of its inherent power.)

That’s right… I said that I hate the Serenity Prayer.

How could I hate a prayer? This prayer really unlocks the one of the mysteries of my personal defects. If you look at the process at this beginning of my post, you will see that something has triggered a chain of events that has led me into a process of self-destruction. This event really is beyond my control. I have taken something, which affects me but is not my doing, and I turned it, spun it, and used it to feel bad about myself. That’s weird. Why would I do that? This is one of the “great” mysteries of addiction (and for another post and or profession to examine and unlock the “great” mysteries). For me it has a whole lot to do with mental health issues I deal with on a daily basis (which can be addressed another time). I have to focus on how I could hate a prayer!   So I know it’s there, I think about it whether I want to or not, and suddenly everything begins to become less cloudy. I begin to understand and more importantly feel that all of this really was out of my control and I can begin to rid myself of all the negativity I have created from it. I have developed tools that help me get myself back together; these include walking, making art, spending time with my kids and wife, and writing.

Today I feel better about last week. I still have some reservations about my love/hate relationship with The Serenity Prayer...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

B

 

How long are you willing to continue self imposed suffering?

How long are you willing to continue self-imposed suffering? This is a question I have pondered for most of the day. I was engaged in a conversation about "hitting bottom" and the criminal justice population. For most, incarceration would be worse than death, but for a large number of men and women, time spent behind bars has become a natural part of their addiction cycle. We as addicts have the ability of adaptation, the ability to blind ourselves to tragedy, sadness, loss, etc. When it does surface we can use it to do what we want which can include drug and alcohol use. A scenario played out every minute of every day. So what happens to those who use incarceration as an escape from themselves and their problems? For many years I believed and understood incarceration as a consequence of my addiction. I now understand that the true consequence is that you don't get to stay incarcerated. You have to leave; you have to return to the world, your problems, and yourself.  Today I spent time doing interventions with people in the middle of a relapse cycle with the immediate consequence for not changing their behavior was to return to incarceration. It is hard for anyone to visualize what the end of the road looks like. For addicts, this is especially hard. With all the excuses, all the drugs, all the consequences, all the interventions, all the sanctions, all the hands reaching out to help, the root of the issue is suffering. Why would you want to continue to suffer? What kind of relationship is it? We know that everyone suffers, naturally. The death of a loved one, a speeding ticket, a tried relationship, a divorce, and the list is infinite. The type of suffering I am referring to is a type of self-imposed suffering. It continues to amaze me the amount of suffering a person can endure mentally, psychologically, and physically while in an active addiction cycle. Maybe a person simply has to be tired of suffering and have a desire to want to want something different. This is what I wanted…something different.

B

To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering –Friedrich Nietzsche

So a week has gone by since I committed myself to maintaining this blog and all week I have pondered what I want to post. So I should probably begin by introducing myself which is never an easy process for me. I am 42 years old, a husband, a father, an artist, a sometimes writer/poet, a certified alcohol and drug counselor, a public speaker and trainer, a dreamer, an educator, an advocate for those involved in the criminal justice system, sometimes depressed, in recovery.

I am still trying to decide how thus blog should look and feel…so bear with me!

B

what's in a name?

1equals365

welcome to my new blog! 1equals365.Naming a blog is crazy hard. Obviously you want something somewhat related to what your blog is about, plus you want something easy to remember. So you begin the process of brainstorming a title and you check to see if it's available... and it's not. In the world of blogging, there are "bazillions" of blogs with great titles. So where did I come up with title and what the heck does it mean? I spend a whole bunch of time both professionally and personally dealing with, measuring things, and celebrating things in cycles. I recently was discussing and reflecting on my first year in recovery and how excited I was. When I reflected more on that year and the many after, I realized that all years are really made of 365 individual days. Really all accomplishments are achieved through a course of small steps and goals! So what do I hope to accomplish on here? I know this blog will be about ART, RECOVERY, and LIFE. Which leaves me plenty of "room" to talk about many things.
Hopefully throughout this process you will learn something about me and I will learn something about myself.
B