Sunday, March 30, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
a continued dialogue with the boy
“Are you ready to put that in a coffin?”
“All that shit you carry around.”
“Are you ready to be someone other than who you think you are?”
“Can you let it go?”, “Can you be you, and not a version that you have created?”
“Those very things that you have clanged to, desired, have destroyed you”
“They have no value, now”
“however they are part of what got you here, without your love for them, you would not have made it this far.”
“the truth to who you are, who you can become exists at the bottom of a grave”
“are you ready to dig?”
“are you ready to work?, to uncover the truth.”
“I will stand beside you, I will hold the walls from falling in on you”
“I will guide you.”
“I will remind you when you are ready to give up”
“All that shit you carry around…bury it.”
The old man with the wide brimmed hat
B
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Am I Normal?
What is normal and where can I find it? If I find it will I know I have found it? I have never felt “normal” even as a child I never felt like I fit in anywhere. As I think back of the kids I spent time with I never really felt close to many people. I never felt like I truly fit in. As I became a teenager, this only worsened and I began to dislike myself. I spent time with very few people and that time was guarded and uncomfortable. I had a serious of relationships with girls who I truly believe cared about me and my well being. But I was unable to have a healthy relationship. Something I am not proud of. My best with relationship came in the form of self destruction. My inability to feel “normal” and the residual consequences of hating who I was, was the perfect storm of addiction and self harm. I not only wanted to feel normal, I wanted to feel.
As I have aged my definition and desire for normalcy has changed and continues to change. At times, Im okay, other times, I want to hide from the world. I don't know what normal is. I understand and have taught myself and shared in normalcy with others, but rarely do I feel it. I know after years of practice, modeling how to act, feel, express myself; but I am still lost.
I still look at myself and contemplate…Who am I? Am I ok? Am I normal?
B
Friday, March 14, 2014
The soul collector
Her dress is made of the softest white cotton.
The white is mixed form the color of clouds and hope.
Her skin is fair and covered in the images of dreams.
The glow from behind her is golden mixed with harmony.
Her hair, a pale blonde is long, curly, holding pain in each strand.
I see her somedays, on playgrounds,
walking between houses, at the busy intersection.
I see her sitting in the clouds.
She can be my friend.
Every tiny cotton thread of her dress is made of souls, golden
She is earth, heaven, harmony.
She is peace, balance, freedom.
She is a collector of souls,
dreams, desires, memories.
B
The white is mixed form the color of clouds and hope.
Her skin is fair and covered in the images of dreams.
The glow from behind her is golden mixed with harmony.
Her hair, a pale blonde is long, curly, holding pain in each strand.
I see her somedays, on playgrounds,
walking between houses, at the busy intersection.
I see her sitting in the clouds.
She can be my friend.
Every tiny cotton thread of her dress is made of souls, golden
She is earth, heaven, harmony.
She is peace, balance, freedom.
She is a collector of souls,
dreams, desires, memories.
B
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Are you ready to let go of the storm?
The old man with wide brimmed hat, polishes the shovels and stores them in an old building.
The boy sees the building and inquires about its contents.
The man looks to the clouds, admires. His eyes reflect the passion of the sky.
He looks at the boy, he sees into his eyes the pain of a million storms. The clouds angry, pushing, shoving.
"Are you ready to dig?"
"Are you ready to let go of the storm?"
"The clouds which cause pain."
He doesn't understand, he doesn't want to dig. He likes the rain, the thunder, it makes him feel.
"I can give you a shovel"
The boy looks away from the clouds, he is not ready to dig, he is tired.
The old man places his hand on the boy's shoulder and smiles and than returns to the shed.
He can hear the thunder, he sees the rain in the distance.
B
The boy sees the building and inquires about its contents.
The man looks to the clouds, admires. His eyes reflect the passion of the sky.
He looks at the boy, he sees into his eyes the pain of a million storms. The clouds angry, pushing, shoving.
"Are you ready to dig?"
"Are you ready to let go of the storm?"
"The clouds which cause pain."
He doesn't understand, he doesn't want to dig. He likes the rain, the thunder, it makes him feel.
"I can give you a shovel"
The boy looks away from the clouds, he is not ready to dig, he is tired.
The old man places his hand on the boy's shoulder and smiles and than returns to the shed.
He can hear the thunder, he sees the rain in the distance.
B
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Dreams
where did she go? The girl with the golden stitch
who is he, old worn and weathered hat
the sun is back and beats against the clouds
he has lost, silence, science
the drip of the leaky faucet
the tremble
the sky spins and smiles
she has moved on
the man with the hat never smiles
the cloud in his pocket breathes
his hands are a map of the past
the shovel hangs on the wall
polished, clean, reflecting light
little orange bottles hold dreams
waiting to be released into the sky
what does the vessel keep
he looks into the mirror
the clouds dance
he keeps her close
safety, comfort
they have always loved
B
Friday, March 7, 2014
Sharing...
I want to begin sharing ideas from others that move me somehow. Today I want to share a piece of writing by one of my oldest friends who in many ways is family, my brother...
The old me wants to be angry and kick and break shit!
The new me has learned to focus on the change desired rather than the problem.
To seek out my own joy and make it my reality.
That today is the day! Not tomorrow!
That if you want love you first have to be able to give it to yourself!
If you don't want others to criticize you then don't criticize yourself or others!
If you are happy others will be happy around you and if you are unhappy people will find reason to be unhappy with you.
It affects how you feel about yourself and others and how you interact with them, eventually inhibiting your personal being and potentially turning into physical illness.
I am aware that what I have been looking for is inside me and that I cannot take anyone with me who is not willing to do the work!
When can i start taking full responsibility for me?
I am Completely responsible for my own actions and lack of action! My own happiness and well being, as well as everything and everyone I allow into my life! Namaste and bless
AB a journal into who I am
AB a journal into who I am
Scream and yell and blame others for my unhappiness.
The new me wants compassion, acceptance and understanding.
The new me wants to take complete responsibility for his life and actions.
To take responsibility for his responses to others and bring kindness and compassion to others.
To no longer get caught up in judgments of others and be completely content to let others be themselves wherever they are in their own lives.
The new me has learned to no longer look to others for acceptance or approval, but to seek it within.
If you have a grievance and you hold it in rather than express it continues to grow inside you, until it completely affects your whole being and mannerisms.
Lonely as my path has been I have benefitted and grown immensely from it.
Without being in a monastery to a greater degree I have pursued a monks life, focusing on introspection and facing the truth that there were and are problems with my view of myself, my reality and true reality.
That I grew up in a dysfunctional environment and that until I choose differently, that's how I will react and respond to people, events and happenings.
I don't lie to myself when I am wrong and I value honest criticism!
I value and honor the truth in all aspects and I'm not afraid to fall down or be let down as I know that I can stand back up and that people are people and that we are all capable of the best and the worst, it just depends on where we are in life.
If people have hurt us and neglected us or if they have loved, nurtured and supported us and given us the opportunity to feel loved and supported.
Today is the day to face yourself and truly ask yourself WHO'S responsibility is the outcome of my life?
What are you going to do about it?
When can I get started honoring and being true to myself and no longer place blame on others?
The old me wants to be angry and kick and break shit!
The new me has learned to focus on the change desired rather than the problem.
To seek out my own joy and make it my reality.
That today is the day! Not tomorrow!
That if you want love you first have to be able to give it to yourself!
If you don't want others to criticize you then don't criticize yourself or others!
If you are happy others will be happy around you and if you are unhappy people will find reason to be unhappy with you.
It affects how you feel about yourself and others and how you interact with them, eventually inhibiting your personal being and potentially turning into physical illness.
I am aware that what I have been looking for is inside me and that I cannot take anyone with me who is not willing to do the work!
When can i start taking full responsibility for me?
I am Completely responsible for my own actions and lack of action! My own happiness and well being, as well as everything and everyone I allow into my life! Namaste and bless
AB a journal into who I am
AB a journal into who I am
Scream and yell and blame others for my unhappiness.
The new me wants compassion, acceptance and understanding.
The new me wants to take complete responsibility for his life and actions.
To take responsibility for his responses to others and bring kindness and compassion to others.
To no longer get caught up in judgments of others and be completely content to let others be themselves wherever they are in their own lives.
The new me has learned to no longer look to others for acceptance or approval, but to seek it within.
If you have a grievance and you hold it in rather than express it continues to grow inside you, until it completely affects your whole being and mannerisms.
Lonely as my path has been I have benefitted and grown immensely from it.
Without being in a monastery to a greater degree I have pursued a monks life, focusing on introspection and facing the truth that there were and are problems with my view of myself, my reality and true reality.
That I grew up in a dysfunctional environment and that until I choose differently, that's how I will react and respond to people, events and happenings.
I don't lie to myself when I am wrong and I value honest criticism!
I value and honor the truth in all aspects and I'm not afraid to fall down or be let down as I know that I can stand back up and that people are people and that we are all capable of the best and the worst, it just depends on where we are in life.
If people have hurt us and neglected us or if they have loved, nurtured and supported us and given us the opportunity to feel loved and supported.
Today is the day to face yourself and truly ask yourself WHO'S responsibility is the outcome of my life?
What are you going to do about it?
When can I get started honoring and being true to myself and no longer place blame on others?
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Lent and the Violent Femmes...For my grandma
My Grandmother, God, Catholicism, and Recovery. as originally posted 2-9-13
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Today
"There are only two days in the year when nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live."
Saturday, March 1, 2014
The Real Slim Shady-Hip hop and recovery
I recently finished watching VH1’s documentary on “The Tanning of America: One Nation Under Hip Hop”. And there is no doubt that Hip Hop culture has infiltrated and changed popular culture, in fact popular culture is hip hop. There was an interesting segment on the rapper Eminem. There is very little way to measure the impact Eminem has had on popular and youth culture. He is a house hold name and a person in recovery. I understand and know for fact that many, many young people have immolated Eminem, they have looked up to him as a voice, an ideology, a demigod…the offspring of Hip Hop. I have never purchased an Eminem album but I have been unable to avoid the wrath and influence of his music and persona. I have paid a lot of attention to his personal struggles with addiction and his journey into recovery. And I am proud of his humbling honesty and his compelling discourse on recovery. I wonder if anyone is listening. He has been conducting interviews and disclosing the personal struggles, he has been performing with an Alcoholics Anonymous logo on his chain, and his newest album is entitled recovery.
When I reflect on how Hip Hop has changed the landscape of culture, I think about how recovery has affected an artist like Eminem and what effect that has on his millions of supporters. Will young people look to him as a reason to get clean, to get into recovery, to continue to be like Eminem? I hope. I am proud of his voice, his bravery, his honesty. I hope others are watching, listening.
B
http://www.eminem.com/
http://eminem.tumblr.com/
https://www.facebook.com/eminem
http://www.vh1.com/shows/the_tanning_of_america/series.jhtml
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