Better living through science and learning how to love myself

"Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance."

The Journey Within- Ruth Fishel

 I want to discuss my writing, my journey. Just to clarify, explain. I write this as a way to express what is happening in my head, my soul. I use my writing as a way to “dump” my crap. To release, to let go, to think, to process. I know some readers have expressed concern with some of my recent posts. I want to assure you I am ok. I want you to know that I do this to let go. I do this so you know it’s okay to do this. I seek out clarity and balance. These are things I need. They provide security and safety. Anxiety and depression can create a mess in my head. My clarity becomes absent and my balance becomes out of “whack”. Luckily I have the tools and ability to recognize this cycle and begin the process of taking care of myself. This includes an adjustment to my mental health medications. What I have recently labeled “better living through science”.

I have been some research on cognitive restructuring and self-compassion. Learning new tools to help myself and share with others...learning what it means to love myself. I don’t want to explain so I will share some links for you that I have been reading…

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/cognitive-restructuring
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shyness-is-nice/201201/healthy-dose-self-compassion
http://theselfcompassionproject.com/2013/06/03/80-self-care-ideas/
http://thousandshadesofgray.com/

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Violence. Where does it start, where does it end.

This week I have spent much time dealing with, talking about, and processing violence. I was asked to do an antiviolence workshop with inmates in prison. A daunting task. To discuss, educate, and motivate some men with severe histories of violent behavior. I spent some one on one time with a person resorting to threats to attempt to get his way. I talked to someone whose family is being victimized by another family member. I attended a victim impact panel for DUI offenders and allowed tears to run down my face when listening, and tragically a young man at our local high school committed suicide…reportedly a victim of bullying. I am by no means an expert on violence but I did understand the complexities of how it plants its roots and grows. Some acts of violence are never understood and some acts are never acceptable no matter the reasoning. I believe if a person does not address their feelings, does not clear their conscience, those corrupted emotions can grow like a weed, a parasite that takes over and destroys its host.

I do have a history of anger and violence. I have invested relentlessly to address these issues. To make amends for harm I have caused. To be aware, mindful of my emotions. To take care of myself. To ask for help, talk to others. The effects of violence are like a rock thrown into the center of a pond. It creates ripples that have an effect far reaching. Many perpetrators of violence fail to acknowledge the true harm that has been caused. They believe this is an act between themselves and a victim. Sometimes never acknowledging there is a victim (“they deserved it” mentality). No one wants to be a victim. As many perpetrators of violence were once victims themselves. 

The world is full of violence which is hard to fathom or even begin to understand, however I believe that we as citizens of our communities, our world must invest in helping to address the needs of others. To hold out a hand, to comfort, to listen, to show compassion and empathy. To believe in repairing harm, to giving back.

I’m trying… 

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Why I went to the woods

“what is joy without sorrow? what is success without failure? what is a win without a loss? what is health without illness? you have to experience each if you are to appreciate the other. there is always going to be suffering. it’s how you look at your suffering, how you deal with it, that will define you.” ― Mark Twain

The past week has been very difficult for me to navigate. Things have been very out of balance, very overwhelming, and very hard to keep myself on course. I have been subject to some highly stressful situations and at times wanted to scream, cry, and disappear. Luckily I know how my cycle feels and I have different techniques to help myself. I am able to work through, to stay the course. But what is the cost? I want the world to pause for a minute. To let me catch my breath. I considered a self-imposed time out from the world and this is always an option. But how do I surrender to that? How do I do what needs to be. Knowing helps. Talking to others helps. I have to remember to go into the woods, close my eyes, breath, and be mindful…this too shall pass

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Disappear...

Sometimes I want to disappear, from the world, others and myself. My mind races, my hands shake. I can’t focus on anything. My sleep is restless. My vision becomes blurry. I want to cry and scream simultaneously. So I make stuff, I paint, I draw, I take pictures, I write… 

For more visit me on instagram!

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