Things I make...

I haven't  posted for a couple of weeks as I have been spending much of my free time (which is very little) drawing. I have been creating a type of Mandala that really is about many issues including mental health, spirituality, discipline, anxiety. So I wanted to start posting some of these...

Breath, 60"x60", ink on paper

That “thing” and why I hate it, sometimes

That “thing” and why I hate it, sometimes

So the past week has been somewhat turbulent for me, which really means I have beat myself up over some things I have no control over. I tend to take some things very hard and feel they are somehow a critique of my character. My tendency is to really internalize these types of feelings and let them grow and rot inside my head. I call this processing; which is really using a clinical excuse to continue to beat myself up.  Luckily I am aware of this cycle and can call it like I see (feel) it. So the process for me looks like this, something happens, I get upset, I internalize it, I don’t tell anyone how upset I am, It’s constantly  on my mind (that’s that processing thing), I begin to lose sleep, I become more irritable, I quit eating, I isolate myself more from others, and within days, I feel like a disaster. I have a good set of tools for which I have learned and practiced throughout my recovery. Of all those tools is one for which I despise when in this cycle of self-inflicted misery. The Serenity Prayer. I really despise that short, well versed prayer! We who are in recovery have been beaten over the head time and again by counselors, therapists, mental health workers, 12 step members, sponsors, family members,  and everyone who knows when we are struggling reminds us to remember, recite, chant, yell to the heavens, this simple prayer. I hate it sometimes! (I feel like I should have it tattooed on my forehead, so every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of its inherent power.)

That’s right… I said that I hate the Serenity Prayer.

How could I hate a prayer? This prayer really unlocks the one of the mysteries of my personal defects. If you look at the process at this beginning of my post, you will see that something has triggered a chain of events that has led me into a process of self-destruction. This event really is beyond my control. I have taken something, which affects me but is not my doing, and I turned it, spun it, and used it to feel bad about myself. That’s weird. Why would I do that? This is one of the “great” mysteries of addiction (and for another post and or profession to examine and unlock the “great” mysteries). For me it has a whole lot to do with mental health issues I deal with on a daily basis (which can be addressed another time). I have to focus on how I could hate a prayer!   So I know it’s there, I think about it whether I want to or not, and suddenly everything begins to become less cloudy. I begin to understand and more importantly feel that all of this really was out of my control and I can begin to rid myself of all the negativity I have created from it. I have developed tools that help me get myself back together; these include walking, making art, spending time with my kids and wife, and writing.

Today I feel better about last week. I still have some reservations about my love/hate relationship with The Serenity Prayer...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

B