Hiatus

A 6 month hiatus from writing, it’s been hard. It is no reflection of my desire to write but a reflection of myself. I, at times feel that I say the same things repeatedly, obsessively, redundantly. Searching for the perfect vehicle to present the truest of abstraction. How does one truly help others understand the deepest emotions. What words can be used to describe the innermost self. I will continue to reflect, assess, adjust, remember, dream, make, look, listen, laugh, cry…seek clarity.

Sometimes men get sad

What happens if we stop modeling a behavior and truly let ourselves become taken by pure emotion. How do we cage and control those uninhibited range of emotions. What type of damage are we capable of to ourselves and others. What will others think of our unabashed feelings. Many harness and control their experience, to close the door which leads to pure feeling. Many model what they perceive as being appropriate displays of emotion. I have practiced, studied ways to keep myself within what I consider an appropriate range of emotional expression. However sometimes the veil cannot cover what lies within me. And others notice. I at times have to really focus on keeping my emotions in check and although I try sometimes, I cannot. For men we are taught to be brave, to be angry, to not be sad. Society unfairly expects this from us. If we are sad, we are vulnerable, weak. Men are groomed from birth of this expectation in society. 

“They refuse to acknowledge that masses of boys and men have been programmed from birth on to believe that at some point they must be violent, whether psychologically or physically, to prove that they are men.” ― Bell Hooks, The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

But everyone wants to be loved, cared for. Men want to be held, to feel safe. But many men bury this desire, as acknowledgement would prove weakness. I struggle to believe what are others think of me holds little to no value. I make decisions based on what I believe to be right and appropriate, even when those decisions are hard and the outcomes are unknown. I try to stay connected with my true emotions, I feel. I want to feel. These are the things which make me feel alive. Being vulnerable helps me grow. I examine my emotions and allow myself to experience those on a daily basis. I practice ways to manage those feelings. At times I feel fragile and at times that is good. 

and it scares me

Sometimes I think, “How do I explain to others how tormented I feel?”. How do I get someone to understand the anguish and pain I feel inside me? The emotions I feel are non stop and I cannot at times figure out how to make them stop. I become physically sick, my heart and mind races, my hands shake, I find it hard to focus on anything. The world accelerates and I cannot tether myself, to be still. I have developed a series of tools I employ to address this, to make it stop. I start with one and continue to others till things slow down. 

I am very aware of my mental fitness and I understand that I have a mental health disorder. I am able to identify my triggers and changes in emotion; and sometimes it’s not enough. 

Sometimes I think the only way to get you to understand what I'm going through is by hurting myself. These thoughts are fleeting and they arrive and leave without warning. I sit and ponder how it would be experienced by those around me. Would they finally understand? I don't want to hurt myself but in my own despair this is where I arrive time and again. This is part of my disorder, this is part of who I am…and it scares me.

                                            desire swarms like a storm in his heart

                                              he longs for the cure

                                                of a thousand nothings

Carriers of Light

What happens to those stuck in darkness. Some choose to stay, others are trapped by the confines of their own torment. What reward is darkness, what comfort? How as a society is it more comfortable to turn our heads and hearts away from them. All of us have had some introduction or experience into the practice of empathy. Many are taught these lessons through their religious practice and education. Empathy requires ones willingness to place themselves into and understand what a person is experiencing from their perspective. It is not a simple acknowledgment or understanding but a true step into their experience. But we are easy to not step into this place, we even go through great effort at times to avoid it. Maybe we have sat in the same dark place as the other and we were able to move into the light; thus thinking, “I did it so should they be able to do it”. Maybe we think, “They can help themselves if they truly want”. 

The easier, softer response is to pretend we do not notice them, and sometimes that’s okay. However I seem to feel indifferent when others use these responses as an excuse to push people further into the darkness. We are members of the universal family, inexplicably tied to one another. Those who live in the darkness are our brothers and sisters. I challenge you to allow yourself to feel empathy for those who suffer and begin to shed light into the darkness.

B

http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share?language=en#t-1368064

Why am I private?

Its been awhile since I have written, by choice. Sometimes I am uncertain of what or why I write. I am unsure if anyone cares about what I write or if I even should concern myself with what others think. I started writing this blog really to open myself up, to document, record things that effect me or interest, inspire me. I wanted to create a bridge a place where others could find refuge and I know this happens through the personal messages I receive from you. Everyday I experience something that inspires me to write and share here. This at times is my journal, a look into myself. 

I have recently been spending time contemplating myself and my role in this world. I am complex at times and am uncertain of the path I have chosen to walk. I try at all times to remain humble and self evaluate. I try to protect myself from the true vulnerability I experience on a daily basis. I work at removing the instinctual barriers I display with others. I try to be myself and allow myself to feel a wide range of emotions. These are hard things for me to do but I continue to push myself because I believe this is where I continue to grow. I challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone and experience nervousness and excitement. I continue to engage in speaking opportunities which really makes me feel inadequate and vulnerable. Standing in front of others and speaking is a scary thing for me to do, yet I push myself to grow. 

I don't know why I am scared of what anyone thinks of me, but I am

I don’t know what Im doing…I just keep doing.

Thank You for taking a minute to read this, I am always amazed that anyone cares.

B

Been reading many books lately and making products on my Society6 page Check them out at

http://society6.com/bradleybullock

Shoulders

A man crosses the street in the rain,

Stepping gently, looking two times north and south,

Because his son is asleep on his shoulder.

No car must splash him.

No car drive too near to his shadow.

This man carries the world's most sensitive cargo

But he is not marked.

Nowhere does his jacket say FRAGILE,

HANDLE WITH CARE.

His ear feels up with breathing.

He hears the hum of the boy's dream 

Deep inside him.

We're not going to be able to live in this world 

If we're not willing to do what he's doing 

With one another

The road will be wide

The rain will never stop falling.

-Naomi Shibab Nye

The vessel

under the surface

sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I feel so uncomfortable with myself, so un-normal. I wish I didn't have to be me. I try to accept this is how I am and seek ways to adjust, move forward. I feel myself pacing in my head, never really moving. somedays I hate it, the discomfort. I feel fragile, i feel others will see my dislike for myself in my eyes. I have fleeting thoughts of harming myself, to punish myself, to hurt the part of me i dislike. i am scared of who i am and who i may become. i am scared of reverting to a former version of myself. i am scared the world will expose me for being the scared little kid who lives inside me. everyday, i take a deep breath and tell myself i can do it, i can make it.

B

There is no debate... Addiction is a DISEASE 

Definition of Addiction

Public Policy Statement: Definition of Addiction

Short Definition of Addiction:

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

---

Long Definition of Addiction:

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Addiction affects neurotransmission and interactions within reward structures of the brain, including the nucleus accumbens, anterior cingulate cortex, basal forebrain and amygdala, such that motivational hierarchies are altered and addictive behaviors, which may or may not include alcohol and other drug use, supplant healthy, self-care related behaviors. Addiction also affects neurotransmission and interactions between cortical and hippocampal circuits and brain reward structures, such that the memory of previous exposures to rewards (such as food, sex, alcohol and other drugs) leads to a biological and behavioral response to external cues, in turn triggering craving and/or engagement in addictive behaviors.

The neurobiology of addiction encompasses more than the neurochemistry of reward.¹ The frontal cortex of the brain and underlying white matter connections between the frontal cortex and circuits of reward, motivation and memory are fundamental in the manifestations of altered impulse control, altered judgment, and the dysfunctional pursuit of rewards (which is often experienced by the affected person as a desire to “be normal”) seen in addiction--despite cumulative adverse consequences experienced from engagement in substance use and other addictive behaviors. The frontal lobes are important in inhibiting impulsivity and in assisting individuals to appropriately delay gratification. When persons with addiction manifest problems in deferring gratification, there is a neurological locus of these problems in the frontal cortex. Frontal lobe morphology, connectivity and functioning are still in the process of maturation during adolescence and young adulthood, and early exposure to substance use is another significant factor in the development of addiction. Many neuroscientists believe that developmental morphology is the basis that makes early-life exposure to substances such an important factor.

Genetic factors account for about half of the likelihood that an individual will develop addiction. Environmental factors interact with the person’s biology and affect the extent to which genetic factors exert their influence. Resiliencies the individual acquires (through parenting or later life experiences) can affect the extent to which genetic predispositions lead to the behavioral and other manifestations of addiction. Culture also plays a role in how addiction becomes actualized in persons with biological vulnerabilities to the development of addiction.

Other factors that can contribute to the appearance of addiction, leading to its characteristic bio-psycho-socio-spiritual manifestations, include:

1. The presence of an underlying biological deficit in the function of reward circuits, such that drugs and behaviors which enhance reward function are preferred and sought as reinforcers;
2. The repeated engagement in drug use or other addictive behaviors, causing neuroadaptation in motivational circuitry leading to impaired control over further drug use or engagement in addictive behaviors;
3. Cognitive and affective distortions, which impair perceptions and compromise the ability to deal with feelings, resulting in significant self-deception;
4. Disruption of healthy social supports and problems in interpersonal relationships which impact the development or impact of resiliencies;
5. Exposure to trauma or stressors that overwhelm an individual’s coping abilities;
6. Distortion in meaning, purpose and values that guide attitudes, thinking and behavior;
7. Distortions in a person’s connection with self, with others and with the transcendent (referred to as God by many, the Higher Power by 12-steps groups, or higher consciousness by others); and
8. The presence of co-occurring psychiatric disorders in persons who engage in substance use or other addictive behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by²:

1. Inability to consistently Abstain;
2. Impairment in Behavioral control;
3. Craving; or increased “hunger” for drugs or rewarding experiences;
4. Diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships; and
5. A dysfunctional Emotional response.

The power of external cues to trigger craving and drug use, as well as to increase the frequency of engagement in other potentially addictive behaviors, is also a characteristic of addiction, with the hippocampus being important in memory of previous euphoric or dysphoric experiences, and with the amygdala being important in having motivation concentrate on selecting behaviors associated with these past experiences.

Although some believe that the difference between those who have addiction, and those who do not, is the quantity or frequency of alcohol/drug use, engagement in addictive behaviors (such as gambling or spending)³, or exposure to other external rewards (such as food or sex), a characteristic aspect of addiction is the qualitative wayin which the individual responds to such exposures, stressors and environmental cues. A particularly pathological aspect of the way that persons with addiction pursue substance use or external rewards is that preoccupation with, obsession with and/or pursuit of rewards (e.g., alcohol and other drug use) persist despite the accumulation of adverse consequences. These manifestations can occur compulsively or impulsively, as a reflection of impaired control.

Persistent risk and/or recurrence of relapse, after periods of abstinence, is another fundamental feature of addiction. This can be triggered by exposure to rewarding substances and behaviors, by exposure to environmental cues to use, and by exposure to emotional stressors that trigger heightened activity in brain stress circuits.⁴

In addiction there is a significant impairment in executive functioning, which manifests in problems with perception, learning, impulse control, compulsivity, and judgment. People with addiction often manifest a lower readiness to change their dysfunctional behaviors despite mounting concerns expressed by significant others in their lives; and display an apparent lack of appreciation of the magnitude of cumulative problems and complications. The still developing frontal lobes of adolescents may both compound these deficits in executive functioning and predispose youngsters to engage in “high risk” behaviors, including engaging in alcohol or other drug use. The profound drive or craving to use substances or engage in apparently rewarding behaviors, which is seen in many patients with addiction, underscores the compulsive or avolitional aspect of this disease. This is the connection with “powerlessness” over addiction and “unmanageability” of life, as is described in Step 1 of 12 Steps programs.

Addiction is more than a behavioral disorder. Features of addiction include aspects of a person’s behaviors, cognitions, emotions, and interactions with others, including a person’s ability to relate to members of their family, to members of their community, to their own psychological state, and to things that transcend their daily experience.

Behavioral manifestations and complications of addiction, primarily due to impaired control, can include:

1. Excessive use and/or engagement in addictive behaviors, at higher frequencies and/or quantities than the person intended, often associated with a persistent desire for and unsuccessful attempts at behavioral control;
2. Excessive time lost in substance use or recovering from the effects of substance use and/or engagement in addictive behaviors, with significant adverse impact on social and occupational functioning (e.g. the development of interpersonal relationship problems or the neglect of responsibilities at home, school or work);
3. Continued use and/or engagement in addictive behaviors, despite the presence of persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problems which may have been caused or exacerbated by substance use and/or related addictive behaviors;
4. A narrowing of the behavioral repertoire focusing on rewards that are part of addiction; and
5. An apparent lack of ability and/or readiness to take consistent, ameliorative action despite recognition of problems.

Cognitive changes in addiction can include:

1. Preoccupation with substance use;
2. Altered evaluations of the relative benefits and detriments associated with drugs or rewarding behaviors; and
3. The inaccurate belief that problems experienced in one’s life are attributable to other causes rather than being a predictable consequence of addiction.

Emotional changes in addiction can include:

1. Increased anxiety, dysphoria and emotional pain;
2. Increased sensitivity to stressors associated with the recruitment of brain stress systems, such that “things seem more stressful” as a result; and
3. Difficulty in identifying feelings, distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations of emotional arousal, and describing feelings to other people (sometimes referred to as alexithymia).

The emotional aspects of addiction are quite complex. Some persons use alcohol or other drugs or pathologically pursue other rewards because they are seeking “positive reinforcement” or the creation of a positive emotional state (“euphoria”). Others pursue substance use or other rewards because they have experienced relief from negative emotional states (“dysphoria”), which constitutes “negative reinforcement.“ Beyond the initial experiences of reward and relief, there is a dysfunctional emotional state present in most cases of addiction that is associated with the persistence of engagement with addictive behaviors. The state of addiction is not the same as the state of intoxication. When anyone experiences mild intoxication through the use of alcohol or other drugs, or when one engages non-pathologically in potentially addictive behaviors such as gambling or eating, one may experience a “high”, felt as a “positive” emotional state associated with increased dopamine and opioid peptide activity in reward circuits. After such an experience, there is a neurochemical rebound, in which the reward function does not simply revert to baseline, but often drops below the original levels. This is usually not consciously perceptible by the individual and is not necessarily associated with functional impairments.

Over time, repeated experiences with substance use or addictive behaviors are not associated with ever increasing reward circuit activity and are not as subjectively rewarding. Once a person experiences withdrawal from drug use or comparable behaviors, there is an anxious, agitated, dysphoric and labile emotional experience, related to suboptimal reward and the recruitment of brain and hormonal stress systems, which is associated with withdrawal from virtually all pharmacological classes of addictive drugs. While tolerance develops to the “high,” tolerance does not develop to the emotional “low” associated with the cycle of intoxication and withdrawal. Thus, in addiction, persons repeatedly attempt to create a “high”--but what they mostly experience is a deeper and deeper “low.” While anyone may “want” to get “high”, those with addiction feel a “need” to use the addictive substance or engage in the addictive behavior in order to try to resolve their dysphoric emotional state or their physiological symptoms of withdrawal. Persons with addiction compulsively use even though it may not make them feel good, in some cases long after the pursuit of “rewards” is not actually pleasurable.⁵ Although people from any culture may choose to “get high” from one or another activity, it is important to appreciate that addiction is not solely a function of choice. Simply put, addiction is not a desired condition.

As addiction is a chronic disease, periods of relapse, which may interrupt spans of remission, are a common feature of addiction. It is also important to recognize that return to drug use or pathological pursuit of rewards is not inevitable.

Clinical interventions can be quite effective in altering the course of addiction. Close monitoring of the behaviors of the individual and contingency management, sometimes including behavioral consequences for relapse behaviors, can contribute to positive clinical outcomes. Engagement in health promotion activities which promote personal responsibility and accountability, connection with others, and personal growth also contribute to recovery. It is important to recognize that addiction can cause disability or premature death, especially when left untreated or treated inadequately.

The qualitative ways in which the brain and behavior respond to drug exposure and engagement in addictive behaviors are different at later stages of addiction than in earlier stages, indicating progression, which may not be overtly apparent. As is the case with other chronic diseases, the condition must be monitored and managed over time to:

1. Decrease the frequency and intensity of relapses;
2. Sustain periods of remission; and
3. Optimize the person’s level of functioning during periods of remission.

In some cases of addiction, medication management can improve treatment outcomes. In most cases of addiction, the integration of psychosocial rehabilitation and ongoing care with evidence-based pharmacological therapy provides the best results. Chronic disease management is important for minimization of episodes of relapse and their impact. Treatment of addiction saves lives †

Addiction professionals and persons in recovery know the hope that is found in recovery. Recovery is available even to persons who may not at first be able to perceive this hope, especially when the focus is on linking the health consequences to the disease of addiction. As in other health conditions, self-management, with mutual support, is very important in recovery from addiction. Peer support such as that found in various “self-help” activities is beneficial in optimizing health status and functional outcomes in recovery. ‡

Recovery from addiction is best achieved through a combination of self-management, mutual support, and professional care provided by trained and certified professionals.

______________________________________

† See ASAM Public Policy Statement on Treatment for Alcohol and Other Drug Addiction, Adopted: May 01, 1980, Revised: January 01, 2010

Chris Hoke- Wanted

Finished this book last week (5 days of reading) and it is absolutely great! Chris puts into words many of the emotions and thoughts I routinely have doing my work. I would encourage you to take moment to learn more about Chris and the work he is involved in!
http://chris-hoke.com/info/
http://coffee.newearthworks.org/
https://www.facebook.com/chris.hoke.988

B

Quality of Life Improvemnt

The past few weeks I have been overwhelmed with headlines, news stories, and the pictures of men I have worked with in the past. Men I have sat with at tables, on their couches in their homes, and men I worked with in prison.  We discussed their desires, their goals, their want for a different kind of life. I encouraged, guided, held accountable, challenged, and kept pushing them forward. We shared pain, hope, dreams, and desires.  We exchanged anger, frustration, and resistance. We looked for a common destination. I watched as the joy, the relief they were finding began to erase the pain in their eyes. I was visitor in their lives, a brief moment to share. I learned many years ago that success was a very subjective idea. In the work I do success is a constant measure being adjusted and critiqued. I let go f many my preconceived notions about success long ago. I began to look at true success through a lens of quality of life. Had the moments I shared with others enriched their lives somehow? Had I expected the best from them? Will they remember how I tried to help, to look out for them? I reflect on my times with them and wonder did I forget something? Did I not tell them something they needed to hear? Did I show enough care, empathy, and compassion? As I examine my conscience and feel joy for the time spent with them I know that at certain moments their lives were better.  

B

The gods

Do the gods cry out to you?

Do they direct

Instruct

Command

Guide

Do they weep in your name?

Do the clouds shift with your breath?

Does the wind understand the leaves?

Does your cheek understand the tear?

Does the world understand your fear?

Fragile

Will it shatter?

Will the gods wash away everything?

To begin anew

I pretend I'm okay

I watch the clouds

I cannot succumb to my own darkness 

I never asked for this

I try to understand the gods 

Every second of everyday I tell myself I'm okay

I tell the clouds

They understand my fragility 

in-betweenness

in-betweenness 

Ive spent the last few weeks speaking and engaging others on the topic of change. When addressing others on the topic of change and they present with a history of substance use and mental health disorders, change becomes one of the hardest things for anyone to accomplish. But why? We have high expectations of others to change, correct, fix their behavior when it subjects others and especially themselves to harm. Many of the population I work with are in need of extreme change and many expect them to just do it. If you told me that everything around and about me needed to be changed I would naturally be resistant and unable to understand the depth of such an endeavor. We expect others to self assess their people, places, and things and strip away, let go of those things which lead them to poor decisions. For many this is their identity. This is what makes them who they are and we expect them to drop it. Naturally this creates a sense of fear, vulnerability, and apprehension. I have done this. I started this process many years ago and I remember very vividly how scared and sad I was. I literally looked in the mirror and thought, “who am I going to be?” I cried as I began to mourn the loss of the person I once was. I began to bury that person in a grave that contained many people, places and things. I began the process of reinventing myself. I didn't want to talk, act, or behave as I once did. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to stop the pain and my own self imposed suffering. I started to observe others, spend time with people who I admired qualities in. I modeled myself after the people I surrounded myself with. I set goals for myself, I practiced being a new me. I began to author my own story. I quit letting others have the power to define who I was and what I did. and all the while I was scared, I felt vulnerable, I made many mistakes but continued to take an honest inventory and make amends when necessary. I built trust with others, I worked hard and stayed focused on my goals. I continued to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries for myself. I slowly worked my way through in-betweenness. 

B

The Touch

His eyes race

Four hundred years of alcohol on his breath

Dead Man Incorporated

Discarded dreams in piles

Hope without a face in the mirror

His hands map out the pain

Experienced

The pyramid tattoo illuminates the room

Gold

He travels on high

The river flows over his face

His desire lodged between rocks

Like a paper boat

The concrete sweats memory

The touch of another

Long Term Goal-Complete

1987, age 17, I had to drop out of High School.

I was able to complete the required course work through correspondence and in 

1992, age 21 I graduated High School. That Fall I began attending college. I was admitted through the special admissions program. I took classes for no credit that taught me how to be a college student. I received assistance through the Department of Rehabilitation Services, petitioned and was granted independent student status through financial aid. 

1998, age 27, I graduated college with two Bachelor Degrees. Defying the odds.

I entered Graduate School, taught classes at the university as a graduate assistant. Received a full fellowship for three years.

2001, age 30, I graduated with my Master’s Degree with a 4.0 grade point average

2015, age 44, I quietly made my last student loan payment. Ending a journey. 

I lay in bed and feel a sense of pride. I did it. I beat the odds, I set forth on a long term goal of higher education, and completed it. I completed all educational and financial obligations. 

Goal-Completed

B

27 years later, I would like to have a drink

December 27th, 1987 was the last time I had alcohol in my system. The night ended with me starting the process of me building a new life for myself. I was 17 years old and scared. This past weekend, 27 years after having that last drink, I had a fleeting thought of “I would like to have a drink”. A thought which sounded an alarm inside me. A thought which undressed could lead me on a path of possible self destruction. I am often asked if I still crave alcohol and drugs. And I would like to think I am able to address these fleeting thoughts before they grow into a full blown craving cycle. To understand this process you must understand the disease of addiction. 

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.-http://www.asam.org/for-the-public/definition-of-addiction

Craving is a natural part of the addiction and recovery process. However I don't believe a thought of wanting to have a drink constitutes a craving cycle. Maybe it derives from my sometimes desire to be “normal” or like others who can have a drink of alcohol for whatever reasons and not trigger off an addiction cycle. I know I am incapable of this. I will never be able to just have a drink. 

An urge to drink can be set off by external triggers in the environment and internal ones within yourself.

External triggers are people, places, things, or times of day that offer drinking opportunities or remind you of drinking. These "high-risk situations" are more obvious, predictable, and avoidable than internal triggers.

Internal triggers can be puzzling because the urge to drink just seems to "pop up." But if you pause to think about it when it happens, you'll find that the urge may have been set off by a fleeting thought, a positive emotion such as excitement, a negative emotion such as frustration, or a physical sensation such as a headache, tension, or nervousness.-http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/toolsresources/copingwithurgestodrink.asp

My fleeting thought, which was very random, is a reminder that I am not “cured” of my disease. I am blessed to have the insight and ability to quickly address my symptoms and continue on the path I started 27 years ago. 

B