Joseph Rodriguez Photography

found this this week and wanted to share with you!
http://www.josephrodriguezphotography.com/data/slideshow/23/reentry/index.html

Where does anger live?

Where does anger live?
I have spent the last couple of days involved in discussions about anger. Not my personal anger, but anger in general. I used to be an angry, sometimes violent person. When I reflect on this aspect (defect) of my personality I am sometimes struck with awe at the person I have tried to become. I used anger to express myself while in my addiction and the early parts of my recovery. But why? Why do so many people use anger to express themselves? I believe anger is one of the most complex emotions and behaviors we as humans exhibit. I know that many use anger as a mask for a more personal emotional state (i.e. Hurt, sadness, embarrassment) I also know many use anger as a manipulation to get what they want or to use as an excuse for poor choices and behaviors. At this present moment, many people have decided to express some form of anger, and to express it publically. Daily we are bombarded in the media and on social networks with PDA’s (public displays of anger), but what are people really angry about? We have witnessed daily, people expressing emotions, including anger in some of the most extreme ways. We know that many instances of violence go unreported, unannounced, and live and grow in the shadows of darkness. I chose to address my personal relationship with anger on a daily basis. They are plenty of times I feel anger, I feel my blood pressure rise, I clinch my jaw, but I deal with differently. It’s not that I don’t feel anger, I do, however I choose to refocus my emotions on something that helps me deal with the root or trigger of this emotion. I don’t want to be angry, in fact I refuse to be angry or behave in an angry matter. But where does anger live within me?

The American Psychological Association recommends this:

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut. "Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

I use many of these techniques daily. I have worked relentlessly to really change my disposition and character as a person and the way I deal with my anger. When I chose to let go of all the anger and the energy that it takes, I really began to grow spiritually as a person, and this is an essential part of my personal recovery. Anger does not live with me any longer, has it moved in with you?

B 

You can access the above article from the APA here.

Pause

Pause

Stanza 1

I don’t remember her ever telling me she loved me.

She stood across the room and yelled “What’s wrong with you?”

I don’t remember her tucking me at night.

She continued, “you’re worthless, just like your father.”

Pause…

I put anything into my body that would make my sadness go away.

He sat across from the desk and asked,” So why do you cut on yourself?” I replied, “It feels good”

Pause…

“It feels good compared to what?”

“Life”

She sat across from the desk and said, “We are really concerned about you, how can we help you?”

Pause…

“Can you give me a different life?”

He prescribed me an antidepressant and said, “You are suffering from severe depression”

I remember being upset and taking 20 or 30 pills at once.

Pause…

I hated my life.

She sat across the bed with my baggie she found in my jacket.

Pause…

She said, “I’m going to show you what you’re doing to yourself.”

He stood across the cell and said,” We’re going to teach you young guys a lesson.”

Two inmates held me against the bars as he punched me in the ribs and stomach.

I fell to the floor, lifeless.

She said, ”I love you.” and O.D.’d on a hand full of Valium.

Pause…

They pumped her stomach and I cut an M into my wrist.

Pause…

He sat across the courtroom from me, “the state is pursuing a minimum 15 year sentence”

He put the gun to the side of my head and threatened to pull the trigger.

She lay next to me and cried

Pause…

She said, “ I love you, but you’re killing yourself”

I prayed he would pull the trigger and finish what I had been trying to do.

He approached me from across the room, grabbed my arm, and pulled my sleeve up.

She stood across the hospital room, monitoring my vitals

I told my little brothers through the visitation window

Pause…

He sat across the desk from me, handcuffs smothering my wrists.

We know you did this, fingerprints, eyewitnesses, statements, and photographs, proof.

If I thought it would get me high, I put it in my body.

Pause…

I sat on the edge of the highway overpass   trying to jump

She sat across the bed from me and said, “Lets OD together”

He sat across from me in the day room and said, “What are you in for”

I was slowly destroying everything around me.

Pause…

She sent a letter to the court

He said, “If you don’t change your behavior”

He said, “We are tired of dealing with you”

She said, “We found you unacceptable for our treatment program due to the severity of your involvement”

Pause…

He said, “I didn’t need to be here, that I needed help”

She said, “There was a different way”

He said, “You need to get away from your family”

He said, “We don’t know what to do”

She said, “”I can’t be around you like this”

He said, “I don’t want him in our home”

She said I was a “very troubled and people have given up on me”

He said, He said She said, she said,

I

Wanted to Pause…

Nervousness, racing thoughts, shaking hand as he wipes the sweat from his brow.
The crisp, illuminated glisten, the edge of razor wire shouting to the world.
This is where they come
This is where “out in the world” hesitates, the second hand on the clock sweeps in a slow pitiful pace.
This where nervousness breeds, grows
This is where existence turns to a small drip of sweat
He watches for it to stop, he wishes, begs, pleads, prays.
They swirl and create damage but never fade.
Dreams rise from the dust, maybe.
The second hand on the clock sweeps in a slow pitiful pace.

B

Where I Need to Be.

Today I broke one of my cardinal rules. “Don’t ask a question if you don’t want to know the answer”. This is really not about not wanting to know the answer or using this as an excuse to not ask questions. This is really a warning, an error on the side of caution statement. It’s really about if you ask the question being ready to deal with the answer. Today I was interviewing someone who had tested positive for THC. When I inquired about why he was using marijuana, he replied I am having a hard time out here. I inquired what was going on that he was having a hard time dealing with. He stated, I did a lot of time in prison.  Upon further conversation (which was light hearted) he stated that he had spent the last 13 years in prison for killing his son. He admitted to “beating” him but stated repeatedly “I didn't kill him”.  He was 17 when this incident occurred. And here we were and “light hearted vanished”. I asked the questions, he gave me the answers, and I thought “oh no”.

I find myself in this position often. Maybe it’s my neutral disposition, my willingness to jump in a “hole” with someone and share in their pain. Maybe others see me as stoic, the one who can handle the pain.  I feel blessed. I feel privileged. I feel like this part of purpose in life. I feel like this is part of the fundamental reason behind my higher power choosing me to be in recovery. To be a receptacle of others’ pain. To have the ability to open my heart and show compassion, understanding, and love for those who suffer. To not judge.  This is part of my spiritual development. We discuss this in the field of addiction and recovery and we know that for a person to recover they must develop some kind of spiritual growth. We know this to be true however this is something that is immeasurable. I have often wondered how and why so many are unable to recover. And when I look at the entire picture I have found that many are incapable of investing in a spiritual plan, journey, etc. So the question becomes why? Why are so many spiritually “bankrupted”? Is it guilt? Does a person know that in order to let go of all of those things which they have used to make poor decisions lie in the fact that they believe that things they have done, people they have harmed, and the guilt from those actions is unbearable, unforgivable  In my addiction cycle, I harmed many people, my community, and myself. I have acknowledged these things and have committed myself to making amends every day of my life. I do this not to make myself a better person. I am committed to this so I can contribute to the betterment of others, my community, and the world. If I continue to grow as a person, that is a residual effect. 

I know that if I get that moment, that vulnerable, honest, sad, guilty moment with a person, I am exactly where I need to be. 

New Years' Resolution and some "Change"

During the New Years’ time we are bombarded with hints at making a new year’s resolution. For many this promise of behavior change focuses on appearance and health. Committing to going to the gym, losing 10 pounds, stopping smoking, eating less junk food, etc. I have always found the notion of New Year’s resolutions peculiar. The idea that on the first day of a new year a person would wake up and change a behavior, a behavior that apparently they have been uncomfortable, guilty, or unhappy with. And resolutions are somehow like non catholic believer’s version on lent, of course without God. (I don’t want to turn this post into a religious thing, so if you need you can pretend I didn't make that last statement). What would happen if we as a society made a resolution for all mankind? A “I going to try to be a better person this year” resolution? I read a quote yesterday from the Dalai Lama that went something like this, “If you show love and compassion for each other, you are showing love to your god”. Why is it so hard for some to show compassion for others? I have an idea. If you do, you  inherently take on some of that person’s pain.  You feel their burden. You obviously do not feel their pain directly but through empathy we are able to understand, maybe what they are going through. This is hard. I try to live a compassionate life. I try to express empathy, compassion, and understanding. These are things I value in myself and others.

     Last night these values were tested. I went to a local drug store; it was late at night and 15 degrees outside. I was approached by an apparent homeless man who asked for "change". I historically have been the person who ignores this behavior and have encouraged others to do the same. I engaged him in a conversation about his situation and how my “change” would help him find shelter for the night.  He continued to scramble for answers to my questions till I finally asked him to stop, it was not necessary to justify to me what he needed change for or what he would do with it. I gave him the change and encouraged him to get to shelter for the night. For the past 24 hours I have contemplated this simple exchange. I have of course told myself, I am sure he went and bought alcohol, and so what if he did, is that my business, does it affect me, what if it helps him through the night. The thing that haunts me is the embarrassed, sad look in his eyes, the shiver of his cold bare hands, and his disheveled appearance. I chose to enter, briefly into to his world, his situation, his pain, a visitor. I went home and considered him and his plight. I crawled into my warm bed.

If you are struggling for a resolution, I challenge you to be more compassionate, to be more understanding and maybe we can make some "change".

B