The Touch

His eyes race

Four hundred years of alcohol on his breath

Dead Man Incorporated

Discarded dreams in piles

Hope without a face in the mirror

His hands map out the pain

Experienced

The pyramid tattoo illuminates the room

Gold

He travels on high

The river flows over his face

His desire lodged between rocks

Like a paper boat

The concrete sweats memory

The touch of another

Long Term Goal-Complete

1987, age 17, I had to drop out of High School.

I was able to complete the required course work through correspondence and in 

1992, age 21 I graduated High School. That Fall I began attending college. I was admitted through the special admissions program. I took classes for no credit that taught me how to be a college student. I received assistance through the Department of Rehabilitation Services, petitioned and was granted independent student status through financial aid. 

1998, age 27, I graduated college with two Bachelor Degrees. Defying the odds.

I entered Graduate School, taught classes at the university as a graduate assistant. Received a full fellowship for three years.

2001, age 30, I graduated with my Master’s Degree with a 4.0 grade point average

2015, age 44, I quietly made my last student loan payment. Ending a journey. 

I lay in bed and feel a sense of pride. I did it. I beat the odds, I set forth on a long term goal of higher education, and completed it. I completed all educational and financial obligations. 

Goal-Completed

B

27 years later, I would like to have a drink

December 27th, 1987 was the last time I had alcohol in my system. The night ended with me starting the process of me building a new life for myself. I was 17 years old and scared. This past weekend, 27 years after having that last drink, I had a fleeting thought of “I would like to have a drink”. A thought which sounded an alarm inside me. A thought which undressed could lead me on a path of possible self destruction. I am often asked if I still crave alcohol and drugs. And I would like to think I am able to address these fleeting thoughts before they grow into a full blown craving cycle. To understand this process you must understand the disease of addiction. 

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.-http://www.asam.org/for-the-public/definition-of-addiction

Craving is a natural part of the addiction and recovery process. However I don't believe a thought of wanting to have a drink constitutes a craving cycle. Maybe it derives from my sometimes desire to be “normal” or like others who can have a drink of alcohol for whatever reasons and not trigger off an addiction cycle. I know I am incapable of this. I will never be able to just have a drink. 

An urge to drink can be set off by external triggers in the environment and internal ones within yourself.

External triggers are people, places, things, or times of day that offer drinking opportunities or remind you of drinking. These "high-risk situations" are more obvious, predictable, and avoidable than internal triggers.

Internal triggers can be puzzling because the urge to drink just seems to "pop up." But if you pause to think about it when it happens, you'll find that the urge may have been set off by a fleeting thought, a positive emotion such as excitement, a negative emotion such as frustration, or a physical sensation such as a headache, tension, or nervousness.-http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/toolsresources/copingwithurgestodrink.asp

My fleeting thought, which was very random, is a reminder that I am not “cured” of my disease. I am blessed to have the insight and ability to quickly address my symptoms and continue on the path I started 27 years ago. 

B