and it scares me

Sometimes I think, “How do I explain to others how tormented I feel?”. How do I get someone to understand the anguish and pain I feel inside me? The emotions I feel are non stop and I cannot at times figure out how to make them stop. I become physically sick, my heart and mind races, my hands shake, I find it hard to focus on anything. The world accelerates and I cannot tether myself, to be still. I have developed a series of tools I employ to address this, to make it stop. I start with one and continue to others till things slow down. 

I am very aware of my mental fitness and I understand that I have a mental health disorder. I am able to identify my triggers and changes in emotion; and sometimes it’s not enough. 

Sometimes I think the only way to get you to understand what I'm going through is by hurting myself. These thoughts are fleeting and they arrive and leave without warning. I sit and ponder how it would be experienced by those around me. Would they finally understand? I don't want to hurt myself but in my own despair this is where I arrive time and again. This is part of my disorder, this is part of who I am…and it scares me.

                                            desire swarms like a storm in his heart

                                              he longs for the cure

                                                of a thousand nothings