Where does anger live?
I have spent the last couple of days involved in discussions
about anger. Not my personal anger, but anger in general. I used to be an
angry, sometimes violent person. When I reflect on this aspect (defect) of my
personality I am sometimes struck with awe at the person I have tried to
become. I used anger to express myself while in my addiction and the early
parts of my recovery. But why? Why do so many people use anger to express
themselves? I believe anger is one of the most complex emotions and behaviors
we as humans exhibit. I know that many use anger as a mask for a more personal
emotional state (i.e. Hurt, sadness, embarrassment) I also know many use anger
as a manipulation to get what they want or to use as an excuse for poor choices
and behaviors. At this present moment, many people have decided to express some
form of anger, and to express it publically. Daily we are bombarded in the
media and on social networks with PDA’s (public displays of anger), but what
are people really angry about? We have witnessed daily, people expressing
emotions, including anger in some of the most extreme ways. We know that many
instances of violence go unreported, unannounced, and live and grow in the
shadows of darkness. I chose to address my personal relationship with anger on
a daily basis. They are plenty of times I feel anger, I feel my blood pressure rise,
I clinch my jaw, but I deal with differently. It’s not that I don’t feel anger,
I do, however I choose to refocus my emotions on something that helps me deal
with the root or trigger of this emotion. I don’t want to be angry, in fact I
refuse to be angry or behave in an angry matter. But where does anger live
within me?
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing
imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that
can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can
call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where
both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to
learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your
chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut. "Slowly
repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it
easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery;
visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. Nonstrenuous,
slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them
automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry
people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect
their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated
and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For
instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible,
everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's
understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and
getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or
"always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This
!&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting
things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that
your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also
alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you
on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix
anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel
worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's
justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself.
Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just
experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel
anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced
perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation,
agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and
we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people
demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes
anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become
aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires.
In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than
saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're
unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal
reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people
use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt
goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real
and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often
it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a
cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our
frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to
bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but
rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve
to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come
right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make
a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience
and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved
right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some
of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in
a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say
the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully
about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the
other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance,
you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your
"significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she
starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your
partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but
don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message
that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient
questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't
let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping
your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of
ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you
get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase,
stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work
and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell
life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba)
sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do
this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can,
draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot
of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a
tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr.
Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to
feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans
is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way.
Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a
god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office
space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer
to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more
chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also
realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two
cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your
problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second,
don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy
anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take
yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied
by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause
for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and
make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and
all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some
"personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are
particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing
rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody
talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time,
she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at
them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you
discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just
habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these
talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious
every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what
infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I
won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep
yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic
leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or
map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find
another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
I use many of these techniques daily. I have worked
relentlessly to really change my disposition and character as a person and the
way I deal with my anger. When I chose to let go of all the anger and the
energy that it takes, I really began to grow spiritually as a person, and this
is an essential part of my personal recovery. Anger does not live with me any longer,
has it moved in with you?
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