Better living through science

continued (unedited)

The vibration is real but he can't hold it
his hand trembles; to grasp, to hold
A ghost of memory
to remove the lid, his eye flutters
The ocean echos, builds
Clouds move like dancers in slow motion.
The light flickers, but burns
the vibration makes the flame shutter
like a moth, the ghosts dance
like a vibration of memory
of which he cannot hold

To find numb (unedited)

Sometimes the stress is

Transferred to pain.

My teeth hurt

The day vibrates

Where has numb gone

Although he refuses to reflect 

The wall presses against his torso

I close my eyes

And see static

Like walking on air

The days vibrate

I am a ghost

A passerby

I observe pain

Static lives in my head

My hand trembles

I seek balance

I close my eyes

The pain makes my teeth hurt

I hold my hands together

Grasp at harmony

The wall shutters 

The vibration calls to me

To find comfort 

To find numb

B

Two eternities...

“In any weather, at any hour of the day or night, I have been anxious to improve the nick of time, and notch it on my stick too; to stand on the meeting of two eternities, the past and future, which is precisely the present moment; to toe that line.” ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Lately I have been dealing the world better. I have eliminated some of my stressors and have tapered myself off my anxiety medication. I have experienced stress and at times have felt my blood pressure rise. I have had some poor sleeping patterns. But it’s manageable. I need to feel. I have had the opportunity to put myself in several new and uncomfortable situations the last few weeks. I have experienced a range of emotions, most of which included nervousness. I was told many years ago being nervous is a healthy emotion to experience. To take a deep breath and reflect inward. When I am nervous I know that I am not over confident. I can identify the disconnect between my heart and mind. I can humble myself, submit, let go. Many of the situations I become nervous about I have little to no control over. I have to identify how I fit into them, to deal with them. If I do not follow this process, resistance begins to take root. The immediate response to the situation becomes: I can’t deal with this, I don’t want to deal with this, I won’t deal with this. This is the seed of anger, frustration. This is a disconnect. For me this is an unhealthy scenario. A place I work to avoid. Stress, Anxiety, and nervousness are natural. I continue to work on my relationship with them because I know that I continue to grow in these relationships. I continue to feel.
B

living in the shadow

I have been reflecting lately on why being a person in recovery from addiction has a negative connotation. If I were a cancer survivor I would have never ending support in my recovery, people would even give money to research and participate in walks in support. Addiction is now recognized as a disease, no different than cancer, diabetes, etc. But those who suffer from it are not looked upon in a favorable light. We are cast offs, those people. Those who chose to drink, to drug, who let things get out of control, who decided to be sick, to have a disease. Even I who has sustained long term recovery (remission if you will) still find embarrassment in admitting that I once suffered from the disease. How do we change public perception? Does the public even care? I try to present myself as an example of what a person in recovery is and can achieve. My commitment to the betterment of my community at large and being a productive member of society are examples of what I try to do to change, enlighten public opinion. But the public doesn’t know I’m in recovery, and do they need to know? Probably not. Nor would it be appropriate. So here we are back at “square one”. How do we change public perception? We know the media loves to exploit people with addiction when they are at their worse. But rarely does a story of recovery fly off the shelf at the local grocery store. Rarely does someone talking about their experience with addiction and recovery appear on the local news.
I don’t know all the answers. What I do know is that I am a person in long term recovery.
B  

1988- Journal entry

I wrote this when I was early in my recovery and still trying to figure out what was going on around me and within me. I was 18 years old...

Life is a mirror, look at what you see.
The crowd behind you begins to flee.
The rage you feel begins to surge
you clinch your fists, you feel the urge
Shatter your life, break the mirror
feel the pain, the pain is fear.
your all alone, no one around
the thoughts in your head are the only sound

it really sucks, its always the same.
the life I lived was a no win game.
Try and be happy I know I should.
Try so hard...I wish I could.
To end it all I think I would.
All I did was fucking cry.
I never had the nerve to die.
Every thing's the same, nothing new.
What am I suppose to do?

It's my desicion
I'll decide.
to take the ride
or run and hide.

B

Why do I draw circles.

"I sketched every morning in a notebook a small circular drawing, a mandala, which seemed to correspond to my inner situation at the time. With the help of these drawings I could observe my psychic transformations from day to day…My mandalas were cryptograms…in which I saw the self—that is, my whole being—actively at work."

“In such cases it is easy to see how the severe pattern imposed by a circular image of this kind compensates the disorder of the psychic state– namely through a the construction of a central point to which everything is related, or by a concentric arrangement of the disordered multiplicity and of contradictory and irreconcilable elements. This is evidently an attempt at self-healing on the part of Nature, which does not spring from conscious reflection but from an instinctive impulse.”- Carl Jung

I draw circles to relax. Each mark, circle records a moment, a thought, a dream, a desire, an idea, emotion, a memory.
Each mark helps me relax, focus, breathe.
I draw circles to show you what goes on inside my head, my heart, my soul.
B