My Story

many people ask me what my “turning point” was. They seem to look for the “answer” and I can admit that a combination of factors influenced my choice to choose a different path for myself. 

One of the things I encourage those struggling to change their life is to consider how they have placed themselves in a position to let others define who they are. This is what I call the gift and curse of personal change (recovery), the authority to become the true author of you story. To define who you are, to rewrite your own story. This is ultimately done through action, not words. 

I write my own story

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clouds

I have spent the last few days staring, daydreaming, at the sky. Not because I am bored, but because the sky has been exceptionally beautiful. The clouds have been breath taking. When I look at the sky I feel grounded, centered, I feel humbled, and small. The problems of my day both real and in my head seem to drift away. The clouds are full of life and emotion. I am a day dreamer. I believe in things greater than myself. I seek comfort outside of myself. I search for refuge from myself. 

Take a moment from yourself and enjoy the world…

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Sometimes I forget who I am.

Sometimes I forget who I am. Sometimes I forget what I do. Sometimes I don't realize my connection with others. Recently I had someone approach me at a gas station, stick their hand out to shake mine and continue to introduce themselves. A man who had heard me speak about my journey into recovery. He proceeded to tell me how he was doing, that he has been clean for 3 months. We talked about his goals, but more importantly I asked how he was dealing with himself and the world. I am always surprised when this happens as I get busy with myself and my life I forget sometimes about others and the struggles they are involved in. If you know someone who is going through a personal struggle, take a minute and ask them how they are doing. They need that, they need recognized, they need others to acknowledge and sometimes feel proud of what they are doing.

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9,497 days...but who's counting

today is my personally recognized sobriety date. An anniversary. A rebirth day. 27 years ago I intoxicated myself for the last time. I began writing a new ending to the story of my life. I began to morn the loss of the person I was and looked towards the future with fear, hesitation, and excitement. I remember in great detail that moment I decided I was going to try something different and how scared I was of the unknown. The fact I was going to let go of everything I held dear to myself, the sickness of addiction. For the first time I began to care. Today I am still scared, still unsure of myself and my path. For 27 years I have held the course, I have not used any drug or alcohol and I continue to try something different...thank you for sharing in my journey

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Hesitation in Motion

The second sweeps like a slow motion suicide.

The clock face pure like the bleached skull of memory past.

He leans against the steel bars, watching, waiting as the clouds build.

He hasn't seen the sky in five months and longs for its spectacle of desire.

The sun and moon sleep on the heavy black numbers.

The energy of the storm builds, the pressure lives in his head.

Like a worn place in the movement, he watches for a hesitation in motion.

He waits 

watches 

for a hesitation in motion

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel

I spend a lot of time in prisons talking to men and women about a life of recovery, a life of freedom. Free from the bondage of addiction. Many assume my own journey correlates and in some instances it does, however the link between them and I is a shared experience of pain. It’s looking someone in the eyes, the soul and sharing in a unified experience of pain and suffering. I have my own history and hold it close to my heart as a reminder of the distance I have come. The journey I am on. To never want to hurt; to not impose suffering on myself. Prisons, jails, and institutions are full of suffering, and in the perplexity of addiction, much of this suffering has been created by the sufferer through a series of poor decisions. I understand self imposed suffering. I try to be an example of someone who has struggled through parts of my life and who has made conscious effort to stop make decisions which cause me to suffer. Many do not understand why I would spend time with those incarcerated and what good this may have, and that’s okay. Much of what I do is for me also. To help me understand the distance I have come. The changes I have made. The hurt and suffering which exists. 

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I Hurt myself today

to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain 

The only thing that's real 

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting 

Try to kill it all away 

But I remember everything 

I met a man today
he stood with so much pride.
he had so much pain,
but still he did survive.
the way that he spoke
sent chills down my spine
the stories he shared
opened up my eyes.
this man has made an impact
i never will forget;
how he kept pushing,
how he never quit.
so think you very much for sharing your time
and making me believe I can shine.
J. Smith

Last week I had the opportunity to speak at the gateway foundation to their alumni group and men who are in residential substance abuse treatment. I discussed my journey into recovery and tried to share a vision of hope and motivation. A young man wrote the above poem about me and I felt humbled and thankful. Hopefully he will continue on his path to recovery.

This is my 100th post; something that seemed unimaginable when I started this process. For the 5000 people who have come here thank you and to Mr. Smith I am honored
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