Surrender, 25 years later

25 years ago a 17 year old boy, under the influence, committing a crime consumed alcohol for the last time.

There was a moment during my life when complete truth never felt more real. Sure I had been experiencing truth constantly and these were the things that I wanted to escape, ignore, avoid, and run from forever. The onset of knowing that I did not know how to deal with day to day existence as a human being, nor did I want to. The truth that I was severely depressed and never sadder, and I found myself grounded in the idea that this is who I was and I could not change it. On December 27, 1987, the owner of the business had caught me inside his building. Technically I had broken in even though I had previously stolen the keys to the business, and let myself in. He was angry and threatened to shot me. He had his arm around my neck and a handgun pointed to the side of my head. This had little effect on me, not only had I been under the aim of a gun previously, but I had been living to die. The thought of this unknown person threatening to shoot me in the head had a calming effect on me. Not because I had been subdued, but the thought of a stranger completing the task of ending my pathetic existence seemed unfair and out of line. I was angry and sad. A stranger had placed himself into a position that I had been for so long. He probably never knew the value of this position. 

I was blessed with the understanding that I wanted and was going to die. I could have struggled, I could have fought back, I could have asked him to do it. But I surrendered myself to fate, to the world, to the consequences, to the rebuilding, to the suffering, to the unknown, to everything...I surrendered.

On this day 25 years ago the haze of insanity began to lift...