Where I Need to Be.

Today I broke one of my cardinal rules. “Don’t ask a question if you don’t want to know the answer”. This is really not about not wanting to know the answer or using this as an excuse to not ask questions. This is really a warning, an error on the side of caution statement. It’s really about if you ask the question being ready to deal with the answer. Today I was interviewing someone who had tested positive for THC. When I inquired about why he was using marijuana, he replied I am having a hard time out here. I inquired what was going on that he was having a hard time dealing with. He stated, I did a lot of time in prison.  Upon further conversation (which was light hearted) he stated that he had spent the last 13 years in prison for killing his son. He admitted to “beating” him but stated repeatedly “I didn't kill him”.  He was 17 when this incident occurred. And here we were and “light hearted vanished”. I asked the questions, he gave me the answers, and I thought “oh no”.

I find myself in this position often. Maybe it’s my neutral disposition, my willingness to jump in a “hole” with someone and share in their pain. Maybe others see me as stoic, the one who can handle the pain.  I feel blessed. I feel privileged. I feel like this part of purpose in life. I feel like this is part of the fundamental reason behind my higher power choosing me to be in recovery. To be a receptacle of others’ pain. To have the ability to open my heart and show compassion, understanding, and love for those who suffer. To not judge.  This is part of my spiritual development. We discuss this in the field of addiction and recovery and we know that for a person to recover they must develop some kind of spiritual growth. We know this to be true however this is something that is immeasurable. I have often wondered how and why so many are unable to recover. And when I look at the entire picture I have found that many are incapable of investing in a spiritual plan, journey, etc. So the question becomes why? Why are so many spiritually “bankrupted”? Is it guilt? Does a person know that in order to let go of all of those things which they have used to make poor decisions lie in the fact that they believe that things they have done, people they have harmed, and the guilt from those actions is unbearable, unforgivable  In my addiction cycle, I harmed many people, my community, and myself. I have acknowledged these things and have committed myself to making amends every day of my life. I do this not to make myself a better person. I am committed to this so I can contribute to the betterment of others, my community, and the world. If I continue to grow as a person, that is a residual effect. 

I know that if I get that moment, that vulnerable, honest, sad, guilty moment with a person, I am exactly where I need to be.