in-betweenness

in-betweenness 

Ive spent the last few weeks speaking and engaging others on the topic of change. When addressing others on the topic of change and they present with a history of substance use and mental health disorders, change becomes one of the hardest things for anyone to accomplish. But why? We have high expectations of others to change, correct, fix their behavior when it subjects others and especially themselves to harm. Many of the population I work with are in need of extreme change and many expect them to just do it. If you told me that everything around and about me needed to be changed I would naturally be resistant and unable to understand the depth of such an endeavor. We expect others to self assess their people, places, and things and strip away, let go of those things which lead them to poor decisions. For many this is their identity. This is what makes them who they are and we expect them to drop it. Naturally this creates a sense of fear, vulnerability, and apprehension. I have done this. I started this process many years ago and I remember very vividly how scared and sad I was. I literally looked in the mirror and thought, “who am I going to be?” I cried as I began to mourn the loss of the person I once was. I began to bury that person in a grave that contained many people, places and things. I began the process of reinventing myself. I didn't want to talk, act, or behave as I once did. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to stop the pain and my own self imposed suffering. I started to observe others, spend time with people who I admired qualities in. I modeled myself after the people I surrounded myself with. I set goals for myself, I practiced being a new me. I began to author my own story. I quit letting others have the power to define who I was and what I did. and all the while I was scared, I felt vulnerable, I made many mistakes but continued to take an honest inventory and make amends when necessary. I built trust with others, I worked hard and stayed focused on my goals. I continued to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries for myself. I slowly worked my way through in-betweenness. 

B