A light that shines from within

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” Buddha

I recently had the privilege to spend some time with someone new to recovery. A humbling experience for me to see her joy, her excitement, her undeniable happiness. She discussed the early parts of her journey, her desires, her plan, her commitment. She talked about her challenges, the hard parts. And joy flowed from her like a light shining from her soul. A light which will continue to grow, be stronger, and brighter. 

And as I reflect on our conversation I begin to understand why I need her. I need to be reminded that I am no different, that my light continues to shine. That I deserve joy and happiness. She is a version of myself. A version that is easily forgotten. It becomes easy to obsess over the defects. It’s hard sometimes to sit back and take in everything, to let that light shine...and I am blessed that she reminded me of this!

Thank You N!
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The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be. Anne Frank

 I think one of the hardest things for anyone to grasp is the difference between loneliness and being alone. I struggled with this for many years and it seemed too complex to understand that I could be alone but not lonely. I used to find the concept so strange. When I was 18, early in recovery, I would talk to my sponsor about things I should do to keep myself busy and many of those things, activities were done alone. It seemed so lonely and I struggled. I found myself doing things and keeping company with others that were against the very thing I was trying to achieve. I had spent much of my formative years as a teen trying to fit in, be comfortable with who I was. I stopped looking at myself in the mirror because the person I saw was unrecognizable.
 It has taken much work for me to feel comfortable in my own skin, to like who I am. At times I feel like the loneliest person in the world. I have a wonderful supportive family, colleagues, and friends. I feel love, acceptance, care, compassion. and sometimes I want to be alone. I want, need to be with myself. I need to be alone with my thoughts, my feelings, dreams, and desires. This is where I continue to grow. This is where I learn to be okay with who I am, who I was, and who I want to become.
Sometimes being alone looking at the world, at myself and how we coexist is the best place for me to be...it helps me to like myself, to look at myself in the mirror...  
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The Hand Holds No Weapon

What happens when a decision goes terribly wrong? What happens when our desired outcome in a plan, a decision goes awry? All of us have been in this scenario. We have all thought at some point in our lives “I shouldn't have done that”.  When does a poor decision become an accident? Are they the same? Some quick research on decision making reveals enormous amounts of information about decision making, conscience vs. unconscious, analysis, cognitive, planning, etc. I spend many of my days with people who have a history of poor decision making. I am the father of small children who by nature make poor decisions. But what happens with the person who makes the “poor” decision. Do they become the decision? Do they become the outcome? What if the outcome was unimaginable by the person? What if the result was one thing they wished they could take back? Is it the act (decision) or the outcome that holds the most weight?

This week I spent time with men in prison, all of whom have made some bad decisions. Some of who have had the worst outcomes from their decision making. Many who seek forgiveness, they understand the consequences imposed on them. They carry guilt, shame. They do not want to be the crimes, the acts, the outcomes, the decisions they made. They are people. And like most they seek forgiveness. How do we learn to forgive? Who gets forgiven? Whose responsibility is it to forgive?

I shake many hands when I visit anywhere, especially when I visit prisons. This is a simple act of compassion, empathy, respect, and hopefully an acknowledgement of forgiveness. I seek to find the similarities in others, things that tie us, unify us. It is all too easy to find differences in others. I have worked towards rebuilding respect and seeking forgiveness for previous decisions I have made in my life. Repairing harm, giving back. This I believe is one of the most important parts of my life…
My hand holds no weapon
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Better living through science and learning how to love myself

"Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance."

The Journey Within- Ruth Fishel

 I want to discuss my writing, my journey. Just to clarify, explain. I write this as a way to express what is happening in my head, my soul. I use my writing as a way to “dump” my crap. To release, to let go, to think, to process. I know some readers have expressed concern with some of my recent posts. I want to assure you I am ok. I want you to know that I do this to let go. I do this so you know it’s okay to do this. I seek out clarity and balance. These are things I need. They provide security and safety. Anxiety and depression can create a mess in my head. My clarity becomes absent and my balance becomes out of “whack”. Luckily I have the tools and ability to recognize this cycle and begin the process of taking care of myself. This includes an adjustment to my mental health medications. What I have recently labeled “better living through science”.

I have been some research on cognitive restructuring and self-compassion. Learning new tools to help myself and share with others...learning what it means to love myself. I don’t want to explain so I will share some links for you that I have been reading…

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/cognitive-restructuring
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shyness-is-nice/201201/healthy-dose-self-compassion
http://theselfcompassionproject.com/2013/06/03/80-self-care-ideas/
http://thousandshadesofgray.com/

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Violence. Where does it start, where does it end.

This week I have spent much time dealing with, talking about, and processing violence. I was asked to do an antiviolence workshop with inmates in prison. A daunting task. To discuss, educate, and motivate some men with severe histories of violent behavior. I spent some one on one time with a person resorting to threats to attempt to get his way. I talked to someone whose family is being victimized by another family member. I attended a victim impact panel for DUI offenders and allowed tears to run down my face when listening, and tragically a young man at our local high school committed suicide…reportedly a victim of bullying. I am by no means an expert on violence but I did understand the complexities of how it plants its roots and grows. Some acts of violence are never understood and some acts are never acceptable no matter the reasoning. I believe if a person does not address their feelings, does not clear their conscience, those corrupted emotions can grow like a weed, a parasite that takes over and destroys its host.

I do have a history of anger and violence. I have invested relentlessly to address these issues. To make amends for harm I have caused. To be aware, mindful of my emotions. To take care of myself. To ask for help, talk to others. The effects of violence are like a rock thrown into the center of a pond. It creates ripples that have an effect far reaching. Many perpetrators of violence fail to acknowledge the true harm that has been caused. They believe this is an act between themselves and a victim. Sometimes never acknowledging there is a victim (“they deserved it” mentality). No one wants to be a victim. As many perpetrators of violence were once victims themselves. 

The world is full of violence which is hard to fathom or even begin to understand, however I believe that we as citizens of our communities, our world must invest in helping to address the needs of others. To hold out a hand, to comfort, to listen, to show compassion and empathy. To believe in repairing harm, to giving back.

I’m trying… 

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Why I went to the woods

“what is joy without sorrow? what is success without failure? what is a win without a loss? what is health without illness? you have to experience each if you are to appreciate the other. there is always going to be suffering. it’s how you look at your suffering, how you deal with it, that will define you.” ― Mark Twain

The past week has been very difficult for me to navigate. Things have been very out of balance, very overwhelming, and very hard to keep myself on course. I have been subject to some highly stressful situations and at times wanted to scream, cry, and disappear. Luckily I know how my cycle feels and I have different techniques to help myself. I am able to work through, to stay the course. But what is the cost? I want the world to pause for a minute. To let me catch my breath. I considered a self-imposed time out from the world and this is always an option. But how do I surrender to that? How do I do what needs to be. Knowing helps. Talking to others helps. I have to remember to go into the woods, close my eyes, breath, and be mindful…this too shall pass

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Disappear...

Sometimes I want to disappear, from the world, others and myself. My mind races, my hands shake. I can’t focus on anything. My sleep is restless. My vision becomes blurry. I want to cry and scream simultaneously. So I make stuff, I paint, I draw, I take pictures, I write… 

For more visit me on instagram!

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