To see everything and nothing

the sound of laughter
loneliness
to touch without
to see everything
and nothing
the wounds call out
they appear in the winter
a reminder of emptiness
they once summoned
illustrated
she checked my pulse
and touched
to see everything
and nothing

B

The Envelope

Why do these things fill my head
Can't make them go away
The sun reflects off of everything
Close my eyes
the sounds of nothingness
I touch his head, smile

I see the leaves dance in the breeze
Can she see my face through the clouds
The clear sky, like glass, reveals
The cloud yells out to me
It wants to be touched
put into an envelope and tucked
into the wound
She uses it like a kaleidoscope
It feels like heaven and nothing

I touch his head, smile
and close my eyes.

2009
B

Thanksgiving- the act of giving thanks

“You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late”. Ralph Waldo Emerson

This week is thanksgiving and many people will gather with family and others to share a meal and time together. Many will travel great distances to be with others, physically and emotionally. For me this is the holiday specific to being grateful, kind, and thankful. I try to acknowledge my gratitude daily. If you are a reader of this blog or you know me personally, you know that I have much to be grateful for. Our daily schedules sometimes supersede our ability to reflect and be grateful. I spend time every day looking into the sky. I enjoy the beauty of the clouds. I find comfort in looking to them, acknowledging them, watching as they change. This is something I am grateful for; they represent something much larger than myself and my life.

I will take my children on thanksgiving to a local food pantry and work, serving those in need. This is practicing gratitude. This is teaching my children to be thankful. This is teaching my children that the needs of others are more important. This teaches my children to understand the practice of thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving- the act of giving thanks

During the holiday take a moment to live in the moment, be silent, listen, look, be grateful, and say thank you!
B

A light that shines from within

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” Buddha

I recently had the privilege to spend some time with someone new to recovery. A humbling experience for me to see her joy, her excitement, her undeniable happiness. She discussed the early parts of her journey, her desires, her plan, her commitment. She talked about her challenges, the hard parts. And joy flowed from her like a light shining from her soul. A light which will continue to grow, be stronger, and brighter. 

And as I reflect on our conversation I begin to understand why I need her. I need to be reminded that I am no different, that my light continues to shine. That I deserve joy and happiness. She is a version of myself. A version that is easily forgotten. It becomes easy to obsess over the defects. It’s hard sometimes to sit back and take in everything, to let that light shine...and I am blessed that she reminded me of this!

Thank You N!
B

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be. Anne Frank

 I think one of the hardest things for anyone to grasp is the difference between loneliness and being alone. I struggled with this for many years and it seemed too complex to understand that I could be alone but not lonely. I used to find the concept so strange. When I was 18, early in recovery, I would talk to my sponsor about things I should do to keep myself busy and many of those things, activities were done alone. It seemed so lonely and I struggled. I found myself doing things and keeping company with others that were against the very thing I was trying to achieve. I had spent much of my formative years as a teen trying to fit in, be comfortable with who I was. I stopped looking at myself in the mirror because the person I saw was unrecognizable.
 It has taken much work for me to feel comfortable in my own skin, to like who I am. At times I feel like the loneliest person in the world. I have a wonderful supportive family, colleagues, and friends. I feel love, acceptance, care, compassion. and sometimes I want to be alone. I want, need to be with myself. I need to be alone with my thoughts, my feelings, dreams, and desires. This is where I continue to grow. This is where I learn to be okay with who I am, who I was, and who I want to become.
Sometimes being alone looking at the world, at myself and how we coexist is the best place for me to be...it helps me to like myself, to look at myself in the mirror...  
B

The Hand Holds No Weapon

What happens when a decision goes terribly wrong? What happens when our desired outcome in a plan, a decision goes awry? All of us have been in this scenario. We have all thought at some point in our lives “I shouldn't have done that”.  When does a poor decision become an accident? Are they the same? Some quick research on decision making reveals enormous amounts of information about decision making, conscience vs. unconscious, analysis, cognitive, planning, etc. I spend many of my days with people who have a history of poor decision making. I am the father of small children who by nature make poor decisions. But what happens with the person who makes the “poor” decision. Do they become the decision? Do they become the outcome? What if the outcome was unimaginable by the person? What if the result was one thing they wished they could take back? Is it the act (decision) or the outcome that holds the most weight?

This week I spent time with men in prison, all of whom have made some bad decisions. Some of who have had the worst outcomes from their decision making. Many who seek forgiveness, they understand the consequences imposed on them. They carry guilt, shame. They do not want to be the crimes, the acts, the outcomes, the decisions they made. They are people. And like most they seek forgiveness. How do we learn to forgive? Who gets forgiven? Whose responsibility is it to forgive?

I shake many hands when I visit anywhere, especially when I visit prisons. This is a simple act of compassion, empathy, respect, and hopefully an acknowledgement of forgiveness. I seek to find the similarities in others, things that tie us, unify us. It is all too easy to find differences in others. I have worked towards rebuilding respect and seeking forgiveness for previous decisions I have made in my life. Repairing harm, giving back. This I believe is one of the most important parts of my life…
My hand holds no weapon
B  

Better living through science and learning how to love myself

"Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance."

The Journey Within- Ruth Fishel

 I want to discuss my writing, my journey. Just to clarify, explain. I write this as a way to express what is happening in my head, my soul. I use my writing as a way to “dump” my crap. To release, to let go, to think, to process. I know some readers have expressed concern with some of my recent posts. I want to assure you I am ok. I want you to know that I do this to let go. I do this so you know it’s okay to do this. I seek out clarity and balance. These are things I need. They provide security and safety. Anxiety and depression can create a mess in my head. My clarity becomes absent and my balance becomes out of “whack”. Luckily I have the tools and ability to recognize this cycle and begin the process of taking care of myself. This includes an adjustment to my mental health medications. What I have recently labeled “better living through science”.

I have been some research on cognitive restructuring and self-compassion. Learning new tools to help myself and share with others...learning what it means to love myself. I don’t want to explain so I will share some links for you that I have been reading…

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/cognitive-restructuring
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shyness-is-nice/201201/healthy-dose-self-compassion
http://theselfcompassionproject.com/2013/06/03/80-self-care-ideas/
http://thousandshadesofgray.com/

B