Chris Hoke- Wanted

Finished this book last week (5 days of reading) and it is absolutely great! Chris puts into words many of the emotions and thoughts I routinely have doing my work. I would encourage you to take moment to learn more about Chris and the work he is involved in!
http://chris-hoke.com/info/
http://coffee.newearthworks.org/
https://www.facebook.com/chris.hoke.988

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Quality of Life Improvemnt

The past few weeks I have been overwhelmed with headlines, news stories, and the pictures of men I have worked with in the past. Men I have sat with at tables, on their couches in their homes, and men I worked with in prison.  We discussed their desires, their goals, their want for a different kind of life. I encouraged, guided, held accountable, challenged, and kept pushing them forward. We shared pain, hope, dreams, and desires.  We exchanged anger, frustration, and resistance. We looked for a common destination. I watched as the joy, the relief they were finding began to erase the pain in their eyes. I was visitor in their lives, a brief moment to share. I learned many years ago that success was a very subjective idea. In the work I do success is a constant measure being adjusted and critiqued. I let go f many my preconceived notions about success long ago. I began to look at true success through a lens of quality of life. Had the moments I shared with others enriched their lives somehow? Had I expected the best from them? Will they remember how I tried to help, to look out for them? I reflect on my times with them and wonder did I forget something? Did I not tell them something they needed to hear? Did I show enough care, empathy, and compassion? As I examine my conscience and feel joy for the time spent with them I know that at certain moments their lives were better.  

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The gods

Do the gods cry out to you?

Do they direct

Instruct

Command

Guide

Do they weep in your name?

Do the clouds shift with your breath?

Does the wind understand the leaves?

Does your cheek understand the tear?

Does the world understand your fear?

Fragile

Will it shatter?

Will the gods wash away everything?

To begin anew

I pretend I'm okay

I watch the clouds

I cannot succumb to my own darkness 

I never asked for this

I try to understand the gods 

Every second of everyday I tell myself I'm okay

I tell the clouds

They understand my fragility 

in-betweenness

in-betweenness 

Ive spent the last few weeks speaking and engaging others on the topic of change. When addressing others on the topic of change and they present with a history of substance use and mental health disorders, change becomes one of the hardest things for anyone to accomplish. But why? We have high expectations of others to change, correct, fix their behavior when it subjects others and especially themselves to harm. Many of the population I work with are in need of extreme change and many expect them to just do it. If you told me that everything around and about me needed to be changed I would naturally be resistant and unable to understand the depth of such an endeavor. We expect others to self assess their people, places, and things and strip away, let go of those things which lead them to poor decisions. For many this is their identity. This is what makes them who they are and we expect them to drop it. Naturally this creates a sense of fear, vulnerability, and apprehension. I have done this. I started this process many years ago and I remember very vividly how scared and sad I was. I literally looked in the mirror and thought, “who am I going to be?” I cried as I began to mourn the loss of the person I once was. I began to bury that person in a grave that contained many people, places and things. I began the process of reinventing myself. I didn't want to talk, act, or behave as I once did. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to stop the pain and my own self imposed suffering. I started to observe others, spend time with people who I admired qualities in. I modeled myself after the people I surrounded myself with. I set goals for myself, I practiced being a new me. I began to author my own story. I quit letting others have the power to define who I was and what I did. and all the while I was scared, I felt vulnerable, I made many mistakes but continued to take an honest inventory and make amends when necessary. I built trust with others, I worked hard and stayed focused on my goals. I continued to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries for myself. I slowly worked my way through in-betweenness. 

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The Touch

His eyes race

Four hundred years of alcohol on his breath

Dead Man Incorporated

Discarded dreams in piles

Hope without a face in the mirror

His hands map out the pain

Experienced

The pyramid tattoo illuminates the room

Gold

He travels on high

The river flows over his face

His desire lodged between rocks

Like a paper boat

The concrete sweats memory

The touch of another

Long Term Goal-Complete

1987, age 17, I had to drop out of High School.

I was able to complete the required course work through correspondence and in 

1992, age 21 I graduated High School. That Fall I began attending college. I was admitted through the special admissions program. I took classes for no credit that taught me how to be a college student. I received assistance through the Department of Rehabilitation Services, petitioned and was granted independent student status through financial aid. 

1998, age 27, I graduated college with two Bachelor Degrees. Defying the odds.

I entered Graduate School, taught classes at the university as a graduate assistant. Received a full fellowship for three years.

2001, age 30, I graduated with my Master’s Degree with a 4.0 grade point average

2015, age 44, I quietly made my last student loan payment. Ending a journey. 

I lay in bed and feel a sense of pride. I did it. I beat the odds, I set forth on a long term goal of higher education, and completed it. I completed all educational and financial obligations. 

Goal-Completed

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27 years later, I would like to have a drink

December 27th, 1987 was the last time I had alcohol in my system. The night ended with me starting the process of me building a new life for myself. I was 17 years old and scared. This past weekend, 27 years after having that last drink, I had a fleeting thought of “I would like to have a drink”. A thought which sounded an alarm inside me. A thought which undressed could lead me on a path of possible self destruction. I am often asked if I still crave alcohol and drugs. And I would like to think I am able to address these fleeting thoughts before they grow into a full blown craving cycle. To understand this process you must understand the disease of addiction. 

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.-http://www.asam.org/for-the-public/definition-of-addiction

Craving is a natural part of the addiction and recovery process. However I don't believe a thought of wanting to have a drink constitutes a craving cycle. Maybe it derives from my sometimes desire to be “normal” or like others who can have a drink of alcohol for whatever reasons and not trigger off an addiction cycle. I know I am incapable of this. I will never be able to just have a drink. 

An urge to drink can be set off by external triggers in the environment and internal ones within yourself.

External triggers are people, places, things, or times of day that offer drinking opportunities or remind you of drinking. These "high-risk situations" are more obvious, predictable, and avoidable than internal triggers.

Internal triggers can be puzzling because the urge to drink just seems to "pop up." But if you pause to think about it when it happens, you'll find that the urge may have been set off by a fleeting thought, a positive emotion such as excitement, a negative emotion such as frustration, or a physical sensation such as a headache, tension, or nervousness.-http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/toolsresources/copingwithurgestodrink.asp

My fleeting thought, which was very random, is a reminder that I am not “cured” of my disease. I am blessed to have the insight and ability to quickly address my symptoms and continue on the path I started 27 years ago. 

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