My book is now available through my etsy store!
https://www.etsy.com/listing/271968224/dreams-desires-memories-bradley-bullock?ref=shop_home_active_1

Hiatus

A 6 month hiatus from writing, it’s been hard. It is no reflection of my desire to write but a reflection of myself. I, at times feel that I say the same things repeatedly, obsessively, redundantly. Searching for the perfect vehicle to present the truest of abstraction. How does one truly help others understand the deepest emotions. What words can be used to describe the innermost self. I will continue to reflect, assess, adjust, remember, dream, make, look, listen, laugh, cry…seek clarity.

Sometimes men get sad

What happens if we stop modeling a behavior and truly let ourselves become taken by pure emotion. How do we cage and control those uninhibited range of emotions. What type of damage are we capable of to ourselves and others. What will others think of our unabashed feelings. Many harness and control their experience, to close the door which leads to pure feeling. Many model what they perceive as being appropriate displays of emotion. I have practiced, studied ways to keep myself within what I consider an appropriate range of emotional expression. However sometimes the veil cannot cover what lies within me. And others notice. I at times have to really focus on keeping my emotions in check and although I try sometimes, I cannot. For men we are taught to be brave, to be angry, to not be sad. Society unfairly expects this from us. If we are sad, we are vulnerable, weak. Men are groomed from birth of this expectation in society. 

“They refuse to acknowledge that masses of boys and men have been programmed from birth on to believe that at some point they must be violent, whether psychologically or physically, to prove that they are men.” ― Bell Hooks, The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

But everyone wants to be loved, cared for. Men want to be held, to feel safe. But many men bury this desire, as acknowledgement would prove weakness. I struggle to believe what are others think of me holds little to no value. I make decisions based on what I believe to be right and appropriate, even when those decisions are hard and the outcomes are unknown. I try to stay connected with my true emotions, I feel. I want to feel. These are the things which make me feel alive. Being vulnerable helps me grow. I examine my emotions and allow myself to experience those on a daily basis. I practice ways to manage those feelings. At times I feel fragile and at times that is good. 

and it scares me

Sometimes I think, “How do I explain to others how tormented I feel?”. How do I get someone to understand the anguish and pain I feel inside me? The emotions I feel are non stop and I cannot at times figure out how to make them stop. I become physically sick, my heart and mind races, my hands shake, I find it hard to focus on anything. The world accelerates and I cannot tether myself, to be still. I have developed a series of tools I employ to address this, to make it stop. I start with one and continue to others till things slow down. 

I am very aware of my mental fitness and I understand that I have a mental health disorder. I am able to identify my triggers and changes in emotion; and sometimes it’s not enough. 

Sometimes I think the only way to get you to understand what I'm going through is by hurting myself. These thoughts are fleeting and they arrive and leave without warning. I sit and ponder how it would be experienced by those around me. Would they finally understand? I don't want to hurt myself but in my own despair this is where I arrive time and again. This is part of my disorder, this is part of who I am…and it scares me.

                                            desire swarms like a storm in his heart

                                              he longs for the cure

                                                of a thousand nothings

Carriers of Light

What happens to those stuck in darkness. Some choose to stay, others are trapped by the confines of their own torment. What reward is darkness, what comfort? How as a society is it more comfortable to turn our heads and hearts away from them. All of us have had some introduction or experience into the practice of empathy. Many are taught these lessons through their religious practice and education. Empathy requires ones willingness to place themselves into and understand what a person is experiencing from their perspective. It is not a simple acknowledgment or understanding but a true step into their experience. But we are easy to not step into this place, we even go through great effort at times to avoid it. Maybe we have sat in the same dark place as the other and we were able to move into the light; thus thinking, “I did it so should they be able to do it”. Maybe we think, “They can help themselves if they truly want”. 

The easier, softer response is to pretend we do not notice them, and sometimes that’s okay. However I seem to feel indifferent when others use these responses as an excuse to push people further into the darkness. We are members of the universal family, inexplicably tied to one another. Those who live in the darkness are our brothers and sisters. I challenge you to allow yourself to feel empathy for those who suffer and begin to shed light into the darkness.

B