The Hand Holds No Weapon

What happens when a decision goes terribly wrong? What happens when our desired outcome in a plan, a decision goes awry? All of us have been in this scenario. We have all thought at some point in our lives “I shouldn't have done that”.  When does a poor decision become an accident? Are they the same? Some quick research on decision making reveals enormous amounts of information about decision making, conscience vs. unconscious, analysis, cognitive, planning, etc. I spend many of my days with people who have a history of poor decision making. I am the father of small children who by nature make poor decisions. But what happens with the person who makes the “poor” decision. Do they become the decision? Do they become the outcome? What if the outcome was unimaginable by the person? What if the result was one thing they wished they could take back? Is it the act (decision) or the outcome that holds the most weight?

This week I spent time with men in prison, all of whom have made some bad decisions. Some of who have had the worst outcomes from their decision making. Many who seek forgiveness, they understand the consequences imposed on them. They carry guilt, shame. They do not want to be the crimes, the acts, the outcomes, the decisions they made. They are people. And like most they seek forgiveness. How do we learn to forgive? Who gets forgiven? Whose responsibility is it to forgive?

I shake many hands when I visit anywhere, especially when I visit prisons. This is a simple act of compassion, empathy, respect, and hopefully an acknowledgement of forgiveness. I seek to find the similarities in others, things that tie us, unify us. It is all too easy to find differences in others. I have worked towards rebuilding respect and seeking forgiveness for previous decisions I have made in my life. Repairing harm, giving back. This I believe is one of the most important parts of my life…
My hand holds no weapon
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Better living through science and learning how to love myself

"Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance."

The Journey Within- Ruth Fishel

 I want to discuss my writing, my journey. Just to clarify, explain. I write this as a way to express what is happening in my head, my soul. I use my writing as a way to “dump” my crap. To release, to let go, to think, to process. I know some readers have expressed concern with some of my recent posts. I want to assure you I am ok. I want you to know that I do this to let go. I do this so you know it’s okay to do this. I seek out clarity and balance. These are things I need. They provide security and safety. Anxiety and depression can create a mess in my head. My clarity becomes absent and my balance becomes out of “whack”. Luckily I have the tools and ability to recognize this cycle and begin the process of taking care of myself. This includes an adjustment to my mental health medications. What I have recently labeled “better living through science”.

I have been some research on cognitive restructuring and self-compassion. Learning new tools to help myself and share with others...learning what it means to love myself. I don’t want to explain so I will share some links for you that I have been reading…

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/cognitive-restructuring
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shyness-is-nice/201201/healthy-dose-self-compassion
http://theselfcompassionproject.com/2013/06/03/80-self-care-ideas/
http://thousandshadesofgray.com/

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Violence. Where does it start, where does it end.

This week I have spent much time dealing with, talking about, and processing violence. I was asked to do an antiviolence workshop with inmates in prison. A daunting task. To discuss, educate, and motivate some men with severe histories of violent behavior. I spent some one on one time with a person resorting to threats to attempt to get his way. I talked to someone whose family is being victimized by another family member. I attended a victim impact panel for DUI offenders and allowed tears to run down my face when listening, and tragically a young man at our local high school committed suicide…reportedly a victim of bullying. I am by no means an expert on violence but I did understand the complexities of how it plants its roots and grows. Some acts of violence are never understood and some acts are never acceptable no matter the reasoning. I believe if a person does not address their feelings, does not clear their conscience, those corrupted emotions can grow like a weed, a parasite that takes over and destroys its host.

I do have a history of anger and violence. I have invested relentlessly to address these issues. To make amends for harm I have caused. To be aware, mindful of my emotions. To take care of myself. To ask for help, talk to others. The effects of violence are like a rock thrown into the center of a pond. It creates ripples that have an effect far reaching. Many perpetrators of violence fail to acknowledge the true harm that has been caused. They believe this is an act between themselves and a victim. Sometimes never acknowledging there is a victim (“they deserved it” mentality). No one wants to be a victim. As many perpetrators of violence were once victims themselves. 

The world is full of violence which is hard to fathom or even begin to understand, however I believe that we as citizens of our communities, our world must invest in helping to address the needs of others. To hold out a hand, to comfort, to listen, to show compassion and empathy. To believe in repairing harm, to giving back.

I’m trying… 

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Why I went to the woods

“what is joy without sorrow? what is success without failure? what is a win without a loss? what is health without illness? you have to experience each if you are to appreciate the other. there is always going to be suffering. it’s how you look at your suffering, how you deal with it, that will define you.” ― Mark Twain

The past week has been very difficult for me to navigate. Things have been very out of balance, very overwhelming, and very hard to keep myself on course. I have been subject to some highly stressful situations and at times wanted to scream, cry, and disappear. Luckily I know how my cycle feels and I have different techniques to help myself. I am able to work through, to stay the course. But what is the cost? I want the world to pause for a minute. To let me catch my breath. I considered a self-imposed time out from the world and this is always an option. But how do I surrender to that? How do I do what needs to be. Knowing helps. Talking to others helps. I have to remember to go into the woods, close my eyes, breath, and be mindful…this too shall pass

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Disappear...

Sometimes I want to disappear, from the world, others and myself. My mind races, my hands shake. I can’t focus on anything. My sleep is restless. My vision becomes blurry. I want to cry and scream simultaneously. So I make stuff, I paint, I draw, I take pictures, I write… 

For more visit me on instagram!

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Secondary Traumatic Stress, When do we quit helping others in need, Four rigs with cocaine residue

This week I have been in several situations where I have been mindful of an underlying conflict, a question, a debate. I have visited someone in jail, participated in a group debate, and helped someone begin to understand. All three situations were very different but contained a question, a desire, resistance, hope, confusion. All three shared a common thought, emotion, and question; when do we quit helping someone in need? What if we encounter someone who has been given every opportunity to make adjustments to their lives, to themselves and they continue to make decisions and behave in a way that is counter to the desired positive outcome? Do we stop helping, do we give up, do we turn away, and do we no longer help? What if the person is incapable of doing what is necessary? What if the person is incapable of seeing? What if they are unable to see themselves in their lives? What if they can’t bear to look at their lives and themselves? What if the guilt and shame are unbearable? Do we give up?

 I have previously written about pain, suffering, compassion and empathy and I don’t want to restate something that I have already touched on in previous post. I want to talk about Secondary Traumatic Stress or “the cost of caring”. I believe the current that runs through all of these questions is a person’s threshold for compassion and empathy. Expressing these can try on a person; they can become a weight on your shoulders, on your mind, your spirit, and your heart. When we experience someone else’s pain we can reach our “limit” and look for an option to break ties. We want that break up to be the other’s fault. We are done, and we shut the door. We want to bury the situation, the person, in a grave of blame filled with shame, disgust, and anger. We are suffering from compassion fatigue. We have reached our limit with the person. This is the easy way out…detachment.

How do we prevent this? Through self-care. We need to relieve our stress; we need to share with others the burden we experience. We need to laugh. We need to feel safe, understood, we need “cosigners”. We need to separate ourselves at times to let go of the attachment, the emotions. We need others to help us. We need to self-reflect. We need to be mindful. We need to seek positive healthy ways to alleviate our stress, our pain.

We need to be reminded that we should not give up on anyone. 

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ISO continued

So after I wrote last week I really tried to focus, meditate, and pray about what I was in search of. I spent 2 days traveling and speaking to around 200 men and boys in prison. I asked them the same type of questions. Questions about dreams, desires, what they wanted for their lives, their families. During one of my groups someone asked me “what if I don’t want something different?”. Inadvertently he flooded my mind and spirit. He asked because he was being difficult with me, but his question reminded me of what I was doing, what I was searching for. I returned to my hotel that afternoon and considered myself, my life. What if you are not in search of anything? Is that okay? I attempt to subscribe to the philosophy of “not having everything I want, but wanting everything I have”. How does someone self motivate when they are in search of nothing? How do you have goals, dreams, desires and how do those things motivate you? On Thursday I was back in the field, on the street, talking to people, helping people, being supportive. I felt exhilarated to be doing the work I do and feeling blessed that I get to help people for a living. As I drove through the poorest parts of the towns I work in, I really tried to focus on the moment. Taking in my surroundings. Acknowledging the men drinking on the corners. Watching for children riding their bikes in the street. I wondered if they searched for something and I felt at ease thinking maybe they didn't. I felt at peace. I felt fulfilled. That evening I was on the soccer field in my community, watching kids play soccer. A young man from my community came over and we talked about his struggles as a junior in high school and raising an 18 month old son by himself while working a part time job. I gave him some advice that he seemed to be seeking and I felt blessed that he sought my advice. I woke up the next morning and asked myself “am I doing enough to help others?” And I began to assess my role in life, my purpose. 

Am I doing everything I can to help, to give back?   

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