So I haven’t written in two weeks
as I have had a lot going on in my day to day life. Spring brings a whole bunch
of projects that have been put off all winter, yard work, etc.
I had the
privilege to read through my probation record, which one of my good friends was
able to get out of storage for me to look through. It was hard to read. It
tells the story of a young man trying in every way to destroy himself. A story
that if read aloud, the narrator and audience would surely believe that the main
character would not make it, doomed to either spend his entire life in
institutions or death. To read what professionals thought of my wellbeing, my
behavior, my attitude, repeated arrests, failed treatment episodes and
interventions, to read what people outside of my world tried to put the pieces
together of what I can only describe in reflection as pure inner and outer
chaos. My prognosis was not good. I was not going to make it. And yet here I am.
And if I think about, which I do daily, I don’t understand why. Why did I get
so lucky? Why did my higher power pick me to save? I know that I am truly blessed.
The majority of those with my background rarely make it. I knew that then. I
knew that the odds, statistics, the professionals, didn’t believe I would make
it, that I would come out the other side. At the very core of my soul I wanted
a different life, I am still motivated by this. I am still working on making myself
a better person, and a better life. There is little perfection in this. If I am
honest with myself and others I can and am able to recognize when I stray from
the course and correct it. I thank God daily for my existence. I hope when this
journey comes to end that others will reflect on my life and be proud of where
I have come from and what I have achieved. Although I sometimes have to be
reminded, I know that I am.
B
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